Somebody Stand By Me

The Nightmare

*Sara's POV*

I'm in my room writing in my journal when dread washes over me. I close my journal and rush to Ethan's room. Something is very wrong!

When I walk in, I don't find her there. Since Ethan has come out to me as transgender, I have been using the proper pronouns. Of course, I have to use the wrong pronouns when we are around everyone else. Also, I still call her Ethan because she hasn't given herself a new name yet. She's been trying to find the right one but has yet to find the name that fits her.

I see a light from underneath the bathroom door and I hear sobs coming through the door. The door is slightly open so I step forward.

"Ethan?" I say through the door.
"Go away." Ethan replies.
"Sis...you know I'm not going to do that." I say back.

I hear Ethan sob and it breaks my heart. I don't wait for a reply this time and I push the door open.

What I find makes me gasp and my eyes go wide. I see Ethan sitting on the floor; she has a blade in her hand and blood is seeping through her pajama pants.

I drop to the floor and take the blade away from her. I then grab a towel and I tell Ethan to let me look at her injury.

She reluctantly pulls down her pajama pants and tears began to roll down my cheeks. There are more cuts all over her legs but those look like they are healing.

I press the towel to where she cut herself and with a free hand I gently lift up her head so she could look at me.

"Why would you do this to yourself?" I ask in a shaky voice.
"I...I hate myself. I don't like what I am!" Ethan says. "Why was I born in the wrong body? Why me?"

I then pull Ethan into a hug and we sob together. After a moment, I pull away the towel and relax a bit as I see that the blood is stopping.

"Here, keep this on. I'm going to get the first aid kit." I say.
Ethan nods and I rush to the kitchen where we keep our first aid kit.

When I come back up, I quickly get to work at cleaning then bandaging Ethan's cut. After, I grab new pajamas for her and help her into them. My heart breaks when I see that her legs are not the only things that are cut. It's her arms too.

Ethan looks so lost and in so much pain, but not from her cut. I wish I knew how to help her.

She thanks me then I lead her to her bed.

"I love you so so much Ethan." I say as I sit next to her. "I...I don't know what you are going through. But please, please don't cut yourself anymore. I don't want to lose you. I don't want to lose my sister."

Ethan just sobs and hugs me tight. We stay that way for a while till Ethan calms down a bit.

We are interrupted by a knock on Ethan's door. We pull away, wiping our tears away and Ethan says. "Come in."

*Ethan's POV*

I'm so grateful to have Sara in my life. She's a great sister and I'm glad she has been calling me by the right pronoun. I still haven't decided on a name so for now, I don't mind being called Ethan for now. Just being called by her and she feels a little freer.

I have calmed down immensely and I feel a bit better. I love my sister very much.

Sara and I hug each other tight and we only pull away when we hear a knock on my door.

We pull away, wiping our tears from our eyes then say. "Come in."

My door opens and Mom walks in; I hope she can't tell that Sara and I have been crying.

"Ethan, Sara, is everything okay?" She asks.

God, I wish I could just tell my mom. But I'm so scared.

Sara clears her throat and says. "Yeah. We're okay. We just...we just were talking about Dad."
"Oh..." Mom says with an irritated tone.

We know the arguments that Mom and Dad have been getting into. I knew the peaceful recording time in the studio wouldn't last.

Mom walks over to us and sits on my bed.
She lifts her hand and pushes my hair back away from my face. I'm happy that my hair is longer now. Still short but it's growing!

Mom hasn't said anything about me growing my hair. I don't think she minds.

"Why the tears my loves?" She asks as she reaches for Sara.

Sara walks over and sits down on the other side of Mom. She pulls us close and hugs us.

"We just...we are just talking about our relationship with Dad." Sara says. "It's weird to have him back in our lives but at the same time it feels good to have him back in our lives. We just got caught up in the emotions of the past."
"I know your father and I have had our problems and well, we still do but I'm glad that the both of you gave him another chance. It's important that you do have a relationship with him." She says. "It's important to move forward from here on out."
"We know." Sara says quietly.

Mom kisses our foreheads and hugs us again.
Gosh, I want to tell her so badly. Being in her embrace makes me feels so safe. Why am I so scared?

Before I know it, I'm sobbing again and I hold on to her tightly.
Mom pulls away and looks at me and asks. "Ethan, what's wrong?"

I look over to Sara who was behind my mom. Sara looks into my eyes and nods in encouragement. She stands up and hugs me.

"I'm going to give you two sometime alone." She says as she gives me a reassuring squeeze.
"It's going to be okay." She whispers to me.

I nod and try to calm myself down. Once Sara leaves, it's just Mom and I all alone.

Mom has tears in her eyes; she knows something is wrong and she must be so worried because she doesn't know what.

"Mom...I...I want to tell you something important, but I'm so scared of your reaction." I sob.

She pulls into her arms again and holds me tight. "You can tell me whatever it is. I will listen and I will support you know matter what! I love you so much." She said gently.

I stay in her embrace for a while longer. Once I have stopped crying so hard, I pull away so I can look into my mother's eyes. I see the tears roll down her face.

I take a deep breath and say. "Mom...what I'm about to tell you, I want you to know that I've been struggling with it since I was a little kid. I've been struggling a lot throughout my life. But recently, I...I...I been feeling so trapped! That's the only way I can explain it."

I can't sit anymore and start pacing in front of my mom. I start to get worked up again. I want my blade. But no, I must not do that; at least not now.

Mom gets up and stops my pacing. She holds me by my wrists and I wince. There are cuts that are still healing.

"Ethan, baby, please, tell me what's wrong? You're scaring me." She says with tears in her eyes.
"I'm...I'm a girl!" I say barely in a whisper.
"What?" Mom asks. I know she didn't hear me. "What was that? Please sweetie, speak up a little, what did you say?"
"I'm a girl." I say much louder this time.
Mom's eyebrows furrow and she backs away. "What? Why are you saying such things?"

This is what I was afraid of; she's looking at me like I have lost my mind.

"Ethan...I don't understand." She says.
She gently grabs my hand and she leads me back to my bed. She sits me down then she sits next to me. She holds my hands in hers then says. "Okay. Tell me why you are feeling this way. Help me understand."

I stare at her with wide eyes; I'm shocked she isn't yelling at me. But then again, she has never yelled at Sara and I before. So why would she start now?

I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths. I then open my eyes and like a flood gate I start telling my mother the nightmare I have been living in for all these years.