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I got told that I should "just pick one" today.

I'm not sure how to react to it. I'm still trying to not blow up. It's really hard for me to hear stuff like that, because it re-enforces the dark thoughts in the back of my head: you don't belong here, you're nothing, they don't need you, you're a sinner, you're going to hell, it would be easier if you were dead, they'd be better off if you were dead. Those thoughts go on in the back of my head 24/7. I'll be honest, my wrists aren't clean. I have plenty of scars, some still and angry shade of red. And not only on my arms.

I really just don't know. I don't want to let everyone down, and I feel like I have. I feel like I've somehow made everything worse for everyone; my family, my friends. Sometimes I really do feel like I don't deserve to be here. But I know that's not true. I'm here for a purpose. And even if I don't know that purpose yet, I can still make one. I can make one for myself so I will have something to strive for everyday. And I have to believe that, because if I don't, I'm not sure what I'd do.


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