Day-in-the-Life Of A Bi Person

Entry 25

2018, May 05

~*On a side note, Merry Star Wars day pt 2!! That is all =>Skye*~

I feel.....empty. I was doing fine, everything was so right, and now..I don't know. I'm just empty. But it's an odd kind of empty, like a cavern that echo's back past hurts and hates. I hate the feeling, but at the same time am glad it's here. At least I'm not entirely alone, the emptiness seems to have a voice, a name. A face. I see it out of the corner of my eye, hear it in the mumble of crowds. I see it in myself. It is, in a way, a part of me that I'll never be able to get rid of. But at least I'm not alone.

I don't want to die, but I don't exactly want to keep living, either. Just...empty. The only other thing I seem to be able to feel is fear and hate. A deep, burning hatred for myself and others. A deep, frozen fear that I fuck everything up, that I'm a horrible person, that I deserve to be alone.

I find myself alone even at the best of times. Hell, hanging out with friends, I'm just a burden everyone else has to worry about stepping on. Whenever there's an event at or out of school, I hang by the sidelines, no one bothering to talk to me. My dad says that I just need to go and talk to them, but that makes me feel even more of a burden and awkward. Anytime I do, the conversation stops, and everyone gets bored and goes to do something else.

Come to think of it, I've never had friends. I'm not saying that I don't now, but just not as many as you would think. What I consider friends and what other people consider friends are often completely different, which may be part of the reason why I don't have that many. Most people think a friend is someone that you talk to a lot, or occasionally, and hang around at school or at the park or whatever. Which, I guess yeah, I have a few friends like that, but they aren't usually at the top of my list of people to talk to, I consider them more like acquaintances than friends. Friends to me are what most people consider "best friends".  Meaning; we've been through some shit, but we still tolerate each other at the least, we can sit in comfortable silence, and just.. idk. See this is why I have no friends.

I've set my expectations too high, and now nothing ever turns out right. I...I've ruined everything. I could have endured it, could have just lived with it, like I'd been doing, but..

It's too late. The damage has been done. I can't go back, no matter how hard I wish, no matter how much I try. I can't even look in the mirror without grimacing, crying, or punching it. God, what have I become.