Persuading the Enemy

Chapter 8

Chapter 8

After clothes were peeled, the only thing that remained were two naked bodies in the tiny space under the shower. The drops hit shoulders, faces, and hair and in their way down they rinsed blood. The water under their feet was slightly red; but that was not where Shizuo's eyes lingered the most. Even now he was powerless against the heart that kept beating loud in his chest. He couldn't help but think about the last time when Izaya decided that it was a good idea to take of his clothes in front of him.

So, he tried not to look at Izaya's body; not to touch him; not to trace its lines with his fingers. Instead, he looked at the red eyes in front of him, now completely closed. He looked at the slightly open mouth that called him as if begging to be kissed. Nevertheless, this moment they were in was not about that.

"Izaya..." he started "I..." but the words lost their meaning. What he felt, what he wanted to ask, couldn't be asked or told with words, so he just closed his eyes and hugged the body in front of him.

Izaya started to shake. The warmth of the shower and the warmth of those strong arms around him was all consuming, was comforting, but to him it felt as if he was now more broken then after million street fights, thousand wending machines and trash cans thrown at him. It felt like some part of him wasn't there anymore.

"Don't. I don't deserve it. For fuck's sake... I... I have no right to want anything. I am fucking hypocrite..." the voice was shaky, almost silent and without the usual spark; just plain old words echoing in the tiled laced bathroom. Every word that left his mouth put another crack on the already broken mask that he used to wear. In that particular moment of time, he felt naked both body and soul.

A hand moved from his back to the face, moving the chin upwards, making Izaya look into the stars of another's eyes. The red was glassy. The long lashes couldn't create enough of a shadow that would be able to hide the fact that he was on the edge of tears. As soon as Shizuo blinked the red eyes were closed again.

"Don't. Please don't look at me." and he turned around, not wanting Shizuo to see the moment of his weakness. He was broken. He wasn't any more the person that he used to be. He could never say again that he loved all humans equally; not when he truly loved only one.

And he couldn't even try to defend himself about it. Shizuo was human, not a monster. That was painfully clear when he saw him tied up, bleeding; when he realized that the other could die easily. But that wasn't the worst.

He would do it again and again if necessary. In his life Shizuo was the most important, more important that his principles, more important then his pride, more important then Izaya himself. He would gladly kill every man or woman; fuck, even every child if that meant Shizuo would keep breathing. It was disturbing. It was selfish. It was wrong. But it wasn't by far the worst.

To Izaya, the worst thing about this whole situation he found himself in was the fact that he could not hold back anymore. The vague picture in his mind of a nice girl and family for Shizuo, not for himself, just for Shizuo; was crumbling. That girl was not something that he could allow; not now, not ever; not even after his own death. Shizuo was his and his alone. If blond wouldn't want him anymore, he was certain that the both of them would be as dead as those who he killed few hours ago. The idea of murder-suicide was disgusting, but the thought that he would do it was terrifying. For the first time in his life he wanted something so much that even the love that he had was not enough for him to stop being selfish.

Izaya was darkness, and everything that he touched corrupted easily. He didn't want to corrupt Shizuo. He was pure, honest; he was real. He didn't want to destroy his life, as there wasn't any good thing that he could give to the other. Even unknowingly he offered his body, soul, love, pride, moral, (what moral?), principles, life... And it wasn't enough. The world wouldn't be enough. But he was selfish. He couldn't give what Shizuo deserved. He couldn't give him the peace and he couldn't give him a family. And yet, he could not ever let go of him.

The tears were now falling down his cheeks; eyes still closed. He felt a hand around his chest, moving, holding him. The ruff yet gentle voice was near his ear and he could hear the pain behind it.

"I am sorry that I made you do that. I..." and Izaya sobbed.

"I didn't want you to..." another sob.

"You should have just let them kill me..." sob.

The idiot was thinking that it was about that. He needed to know. Shizuo couldn't keep blaming himself for this, so Izaya started, voice broken.

"The blood, the look in their eyes; it was terrifying. I just needed to get the information hidden in the safe. But they were there. They wouldn't leave it unguarded. I knew that. I needed to kill them. But, Shizu-chan..." another sob "that was not why..." sob.

He couldn't continue. The tears felt heavy, and he couldn't breathe. He couldn't, but he needed to voice out the most disgusting thing that made him human and he needed to voice it out loud.

It wasn't about ego. It wasn't about the pride. It wasn't about making his soul visible for all to see. It was about fear that he would not ever be enough to make Shizuo happy, that HE wouldn't be enough. So, he cried and there was nothing left but to tell the truth and keep being the selfish little shit he has always been.

"I would do it again; for you. I would do everything again for you. Fuck. I would die for you. But I... I... I don't want you to live without me... I..." the words were broken. Many things were left unspoken, so he continued even though his heart burned with the dread.

"I love you so much that I don't want you to breath without me, I don't want you to exist without me. I want you to be happy, but I want you to be happy only with me. However, I know that I won't ever be enough. I will just destroy..."

"Stop." He could feel a breath on his back. The water kept falling; it kept mixing with his tears, and the hands around his chest never let go.

Shizuo continued. "I don't want to; I won't; I couldn't live without you. Never; it's just you and me; us. Even before, when I didn't know what I felt for you; it was there. I loved you since the beginning. And I won't ever stop; and I won't ever leave you. When you go, I will go with you; and when you die, I will die with you."

Shizuo lowered his lips and pressed it to the back that was trembling alongside his heart. He hugged the other's body a little stronger. "Please, don't cry. It is hurting me."

The tears went down even faster but Izaya was smiling now. "Don't you dare to let me go." And both of them knew that Izaya wasn't talking about arms that kept him in place.

He put everything on the line; his feelings, his ego, his pride, his love, his body, his life; everything for Shizuo. After all, every one of those things has always been Shizuo's. However, now there wasn't any possibility of turning beck; not that he wanted to.

What he said was the naked truth and it made him vulnerable and without any control. But it was the truth. He has always belonged to Shizuo; he has always been his to do whatever he wanted to do with him even though he liked to pretend that it was the other way around.

"I won't. I won't ever let you go." The trail of weak open mouth kisses was drawn on Izaya's skin. The hand didn't move from another's chest, but both tears and the water stopped running. A white fluffy towel was wrapped around Izaya's body, and he finally turned around. Eyes without any masks, any games, any pretending were looking at Shizuo, and he couldn't help but smile as he dived into the most beautiful soul bared naked for him; a soul that existed for him, and that was only his.

"I love you."

He took Izaya in his arms and walked out from the bathroom into the direction of worm bed. Shizuo's mind was filled with one thought and one thought only; love.