Look at Me One More Time

Here Comes Laetítia

Due to that agonizing pain, I was begging for them to just slice open my belly because I was so sure I wouldn't be able to go on labor normally.

I reached the point where I just laid in bed on my side, fell asleep in between contractions. And when the pain came back, I screamed and squeezed Ben's arm.

He didn't know what else he could do. He called for a doctor but apparently they were short on staff and there was some kind of emergency in the labor room.

"It's already 10 but no fuckers show up!" Ben kept wiping off the sweat from his face due to fear, worry, helpless feeling, plus the summer heat.

I couldn't even panic anymore. I just wanted the baby out, like right now.

A nurse came not long later just to check. She said I was still not in labor, but she could take me into the labor room anyway.

How the heck I was not in labor yet, after all that pain I had to endure. I lost so much of my energy, I even passed out and woke up again at the sound of Ben's voice. I didn't check what time was it anymore.

All I could remember is that one of the nurses telling me to push whenever the pain came back. She could feel the baby's head, she said. I sensed a flush of water coming out of me from down there, and the second time I pushed I felt like I was letting out a rock or something.

I immediately forgot what was the pain like as soon as the baby was placed in between my breasts.

She was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

"She's so small," I whispered. Ben was in tears, next to me. He just had to hug us both, thankful that everything went okay.

I didn't even feel them stitching me up, I was too occupied with holding the baby, checking how many fingers and toes she had. While doing the stitches, they asked whether I will be having another baby in future, or this will be my only one.. I did not pay attention to them.

And then another nurse came, asking for the name to give her.

"Laetítia," said Ben, the first name he could think of after seeing the baby's face. "Laetítia Sol Carvalho."

He filled up the form, and I saw the exact time Laetítia was born. It was 9.45pm, which means it took that many hours just to get her out.

It made me think of my mom, and what kind of sacrifice she made to deliver me.

As I was on the wheelchair with Ben pushing me towards the hallway, I saw a few more smiling faces waiting for us outside.

They were my in laws. Apparently, while I was lying in bed that morning, Ben made a phone call to inform them. They decided to drive all the way from Porto.

I was so proud to show Laetítia to everyone. This is how moms feel; our children are the best, no matter what people say. I'm starting to brainstorm ways to pamper baby Laetítia even though that's a bad idea.

"Thanks for staying with me," I texted Ben, after he left the maternity ward for the night.

"But you did all the hard work," he texted back. "I couldn't have had a family without you. Thank you."

I don't even know how to describe the feeling I had that time. My heart felt warm and all of a sudden, all of my petty thoughts about unrelated things vanished like they never existed. My focus now is this new family.

I never let Laetítia out of my sight, not even for a second. Luckily, the comforting voice of the nurse who was in charge reassured me that it was okay for me to leave the baby in her bassinet while I went to take a leak for 2 minutes.

My phone's memory was full of my baby's pictures and videos.

I got home 3 days later and saw that the baby's room were already filled with some soft toys, a dresser for all of her little clothes, and a large box for keepsakes. And the messy room that was once rented by Dores; it's tidy. The wardrobe is empty and the two single beds that Dores and I used when we were living here as tenants, were pushed close together, in preparation for my parents.

I guess Ben and my in laws had been keeping themselves busy redecorating the house, and I truly appreciate that. At least someone was using the sofa bed we had in the living room.

"It's awful that I missed her first smile," said Ben, while checking out on the baby as she was asleep.

"No, you didn't," I said. "I sent you the video."

But I know what he meant. It's a blessing to have the opportunity to be witnessing your kid grow, right under your watchful eyes. And with that, I vow to stay at home to raise our baby throughout her first years in life.

It made Paulo video call with his girlfriend in Argentina, while he was holding our baby, proudly showing off his newborn niece. He couldn't help it. Laetítia is like a dream come true.

And of course, Ben seems kinder towards his parents now. He no longer raises his voice when he disagrees with them about something. He has always been good to them, but back in the past, arguing with them, at least once, is like something he must do every time he got the chance to see them.

Laetítia's birth is truly a surprise and she comes to give life a meaning in a sense we have never expected.

This is parenthood, and I am ready for the challenges that comes with it.