Look at Me One More Time

His Two Favorite Girls

Paulo's flying to Argentina to meet his Mexican girlfriend, knowing that she has finally settled down there for her studies. That was so sudden, I thought. Though I guess, he's young, he can do whatever he wants.

In fact, I would have still had the same kind of attitude towards life before I was introduced to Laetítia. Nowadays, all I could think of is how to make sure she's safe.

It's a tiring job, actually, to be constantly on the lookout for any kind of threats, even if it's a mosquito. I'll never look at mothers the same way again.

I've also developed the ability to hold my bladder really long until the baby falls asleep completely, then only I'll hit the bathroom.

In fact, when my parents arrived one week later, the first thing I did was hugging them so tight.

Okay, I won't know what kind of challenges they had to go through for raising me, but I strongly believe they're equally exhausting.

I mean, I could go on for hours feeling guilty for not feeding Laetítia on time, simply for falling asleep or being unable to wake up straight away in the middle of the night.

Ben? Oh, Ben wouldn't even allow a fly to land on her skin. And since we had slowly adjusted to my culture of not wearing shoes at home, he's now totally asking every guest to remove shoes from entering our house and use the slippers for home that we have here. I thought he was becoming a germophobe or something, but yes, he does a lot more cleaning around the house.

And I'm glad that my parents were around even for a short time to see the baby. It was also entertaining to watch them trying to communicate with my in laws, it was like a dance fight with a lot of hand gestures.

Despite all that, they got along and my in laws did their best not to offer non-halal options to my parents, and of course, my parents didn't behave like hard asses themselves. I mean, when in Rome, do what the Romans do.

Also, they're not enforcing me to follow the traditional confinement diet like post-natal mothers in Malaysia usually do. That was kind of weird, because I was expecting my parents to be strict about that. Instead, they only asked me to eat well and make sure not to miss the medicines or supplements given by my doctor.

"Are you sure you don't wanna come with us for Letty's highchair?" Asked Ben, one morning.

"Yes," I said. "I wanna stay at home, sniff baby's head and read a book."

They can have all the fun outside, I thought. I'm sure my parents would enjoy hanging out with my in laws around Sintra and Lisbon.

At some point, I'm not sure whether the baby is attached to me or it's the opposite. She has a crib in her room, but I'd rather have her on this bed, with me, by my side. So when Ben comes home, he could hold us both together in his arms.

And since his parents got used to call baby Laetítia by her nickname, we're starting to call her Letty too. I think it's cute.

As days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, Letty has finally reached the appropriate age to be trying out her first soft food.

It feels like someone just squashed my heart. All this time she has been depending on me for breast milk, now she won't need me as much anymore.

This is probably what mothers feel when letting their children leave home to pursue the next chapters in their lives, or when fathers allow their daughters to marry the men they love.

It sucks!

I wish I could tell Ben how much it bothered me, but at the same time I knew Letty needs all the nutritions from other sources too for her own growth.

So I had this guilty and overprotective combo of feelings, I also had a resentful anger towards the pediatrician who suggested to introduce new food to my baby, and felt like boycotting all the baby food products.

It's just like when Letty was getting her scheduled vaccination. I am strongly okay for it, but hell, how much that hurt me even though it was just a tiny pierce on her ham. Also, Ben didn't tell me that they gave her first vaccination in her first 24 hours of life, and I was resting at the time while he was with the baby. He felt awful too, that's why he doesn't want to go inside the paediatrician's room anymore to watch Letty getting an injection. That is so unfair!

Though, in the end, I had to allow it to happen. Letty was chewing off my nipples which showed she could be developing teeth and wanting to chomp something.

I just gave it in, after trying to protect my nipples with the silicone nipple guards and she chewed those too. My nipples couldn't recover fast enough before she started to ask for more feeding.

How happy she was when she tried a mashed banana while sitting on her highchair. She actually was watching all the things we did, and she wanted to do those too, to be like us.

Stuff like eating at the table, sitting on the chair, using a spoon and drinking from a glass. She feels like it's an achievement and she wants us to clap to show how proud we are of her.

How time flies.

And that's what I feel even after being with the baby 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. So, I'm pretty sure Ben who gets to see her only in the morning, after he comes home from work and during weekends must feel like he's missing out every beautiful moments of a baby's growth. After all, these moments will not happen again even if we have another child, because every child is different.