Look at Me One More Time

Worth Every Sin

Suddenly, Ben came into the kitchen as I was preparing breakfast with hot chocolate milk and pancake. He exhaled behind my neck, saying, "You smell nice these days."

"That gross," I said, wanting to push him back with my elbow. "I haven't showered yet since last night."

"I know, but I guess carrying a baby makes you smell different. But it's a good different."

He held me from behind while rubbing my lower stomach gently. "I wonder it will be a boy or girl," he added.

"What do you prefer?" I asked. Frankly, I don't mind what gender it is. Once we know the gender then we can start listing down the names. Oh, how exciting!

"I don't care," Ben said, turning me around to kiss me on my head. "If it's a girl, it will be a pretty girl like you. If it's a boy, well.."

He looked at himself, touching his bloated belly and laughed. I was laughing too, but honestly, Ben has always been good looking to me. The first time I met him, I thought he was really hot with the weird curls on his hair because he didn't have time to look at the mirror.

"He will be tall like you are," I said, and looked down to my tummy. "Don't be short like mommy, okay!"

"But I like short girls," he tickled me and playfully carried me to the sofa. I screamed from fear of falling, but he already laid me there, wanting to kiss me.

Suddenly I felt like gas coming up to my throat from my tummy, making me almost throw up. Ben dodged it like something was coming towards him but I was like, "I think I just swallowed my own vomit."

"Eww!" Ben made that gross out face and then laughed at me. "But seriously, are you okay?"

"I feel great," I said, laughing too. "Honest! How did that happen without me feeling sick or anything?"

The next few days, I was lying on the bed, unable to get up at all. My head was constantly spinning. My nausea was severe but I wasn't vomiting.

"I don't know what to do," I sobbed one night, as soon as Ben got home. "I even tried drinking ginger lemon, didn't work. I can't even stare at my laptop anymore."

Not just that, I couldn't even do anything at all. Ben held me close to calm me down, but he was more worried about leaving me alone at home if I'm sick. Furthermore, there's no medicines can be safe to consume when you're pregnant, apparently.

When Ben sees I'm sleeping on the sofa, he will carry me to the room because he has heard me complaining while sleeping that my back is aching.

My back aches even when sleeping on the bed.

Despite the nauseous feelings, my appetite keeps growing. There was one night I cried hungry even though I just had steak two hours before.

"Is this baby or it's just you?" Ben started questioning as things were getting unbearable. I mean, who'd ask  her husband to go buy a Big Mac at 3AM?

And as mentioned previously, I was always in the mood to hump someone but this time, make that times three. It was unbelievable that Ben couldn't keep up anymore.

I was left emotionally hurt, and unsatisfied most of the time because since he's managing the company, he's actually having more responsibilities at work thus making him leave early and come home later than usual.

The more I look at myself in the mirror, the more I feel insecure about myself, especially with the growing bump on my tummy. Although Ben repeatedly says no one can really notice that I'm pregnant, I already feel like I'm a big fat cow.

"What have I done.." I complained again one morning while watching Ben shaving his face.

He knows I'm hormonal. He doesn't mind my randomness anymore.

"Wanna go eat something nice tonight?" He suggested, touching me lightly on my face.

"You're always working," here came my nonsense, even after knowing that his job is what keeping us alive.

He just smiled and gave me a big hug. "I know you're worried about gaining weight."

"Yes."

"But it's normal. Soon, you will have plenty of time to lose weight while playing with the baby."

"But I wanna go back to work, too."

Ben didn't know how to respond to this, for nobody can foresee what's going to happen.

"And I wanna go around freely like before," I added, sulky. "Like this, I can't even move a muscle."

Smiling at my childlike attitude, Ben took my complaints seriously. That weekend, we took a stroll around Penha Longa and bought a bag of roasted chestnuts from a food truck. It did cheer me up as I enjoy the burnt taste of the seasonal nuts especially when cold weather starts hitting. My feet suddenly began losing their balance while we were walking from a path which sloped down to the main road.

"I can't do this," I said, followed with a loud sigh. It was not long ago I could climb a tree. Now my head spins just with looking down from a higher ground.

Ben didn't say anything, but squatted in front of me and grabbed my legs.

"What?" I was surprised at his reaction.

"Get on top, I'll carry you until we reach the car," he said.

"But I'm like two, three kilos more than my usual weight," I simply thought it was a bad idea to kill his back, but he kept grabbing me that I just had to hold onto him. "Don't drop me."

"Have I ever dropped you?" He laughed, almost choking with my arms around his neck, so I positioned myself in a way that was comfortable for both of us.

No, he has never dropped me yet. When we have sex, he'll carry me while thrusting, and I believe that requires a lot of stamina and energy.

I'm impressed with his determination. I become even more certain that I have no reasons to worry about anything as long as he's with me.