Look at Me One More Time

The Warmest Cold Season

I woke up the next day, poking Ben so he'd wake up too. "I can't believe I'm actually pregnant!"

Ben smiled looking at my overjoyed face. "Are you excited?"

I was thinking a lot last night about my fears of raising a child, while they are actually unnecessary as I'm living in Portugal so why should I be worrying about petty matters related to Malaysian customs anymore, am I right?

I am free to name my baby with any generic names that are not linked to any religions. Free to make them grow as I wish, without having to deal with people's expectations or be pushed to follow one path just to make everyone happy.

And during the first visit to the OB-GYN, my heart just melted from what I saw on the screen.

I was 10 weeks pregnant, and the fetus was healthy as the doctor said.

I can't even describe what Ben was feeling at that time. His skin was flushed red and he couldn't stop kissing my face. I forgot whatever stupid thoughts I had before. This baby is mine.

"Time to quit smoking," the doctor said, adding even more things I shouldn't do in the list such as no handling pets, no going too close to fumes of wet paints or flammable materials, no drinking obviously, no touching random plants or the soil, no shaking hands with strangers, and many more.

I was so thrilled that I asked Ben to stay at home the whole day to the research on baby stuff online with me, even though he was supposed to work in the afternoon.

My in laws were already talking about coming all the way from Porto to visit us this weekend as soon as Ben called them to break the news. Through the phone, I could hear them exclaimed the words 'baby' and 'grandparents'.

I sent the photo of the scan to my parents via WhatsApp. My dad was the first to read it and he repeatedly told me to drink a lot of water and milk, reminded me not to lift any weights.

My mum, as usual, a person who's always neutral, never seems impressed with anything, she responded simply with not following the typical advice given since generations, "Don't eat for two people."

With that, she told me to have small snacks whenever I'm hungry and no junk food.

"But what about confinement?" I asked about the common practice in Malaysia after childbirth.

"What confinement?" she scoffed. "Don't bullshit."

That's my mum, ladies and gentlemen. This is why she's still healthy and active until this age as she refuses to believe in alternative medicines, never consumes weird products or falls for pseudoscience crap.

Basically what she does everyday, in the morning she will have a heavy breakfast like nasi lemak or a mountain of cereals with milk in a bowl, lunch with whatever she can manage from the workplace, and dinner with light stuff if it's after 9 because she doesn't want to fall asleep while digesting.

And then she spends her weekends taking long walks with my dad. This is something Ben and I can't really do because weekends are game time for us.

"Don't forget to maintain some light exercise," my mum added. "Do exercise everytime you feel comfortable doing it."

I memorized everything.

Now, whenever we see an ad on baby's items while browsing for other things on Amazon, we'll stop to check out baby stuff and more baby stuff. And when we're doing groceries, Ben will select the food that are high in minerals.

I was also given a prescription for supplement tablets by the doctor that I must consume religiously every morning.

I just didn't expect we are going to have a baby. After all the pills I took, apparently they're only 99.9% effective. This definitely feels like a blessing, and I can't help but get all crazy about it, including watching my diet very closely and keeping the house baby proof even though the baby won't be out yet in a long while.

Knowing that I have a mini version of us growing in my womb is the best feeling in the world. And I just can't wait to join other mothers chit chat about our kids.

Ben keeps track of everything, all written down in his calendar, synchronized with mine so I can get the alerts too when I'm supposed to get ready for the upcoming visits to the OB-GYN. I'm happy that he's very supportive in all this instead of letting me take care of everything alone.

Sometimes in the morning, he will leave me a message on WhatsApp for me to read rather than waking me up because he insisted that I should sleep more.

He also thinks it's wiser not to bother me about sex no matter how the Internet is saying it's okay if I'm comfortable about it.

To be quite frank, he's cautious about everything now, even more careful than he was before. The idea of being a father must have hit him real hard.

Though I'm not sure whether this will affect his job as it definitely will affect my photographer career.

I won't be able to climb on dangerous places just to take a picture with an outstanding view because I will always have the feeling that I should stay safe and unharmed, for I have a family waiting for me to come home.

Not so long later, I began receiving messages via WhatsApp from my relatives, telling me what to do and what not to do, including the prayers I should practice throughout my pregnancy. My aunt was even willing to send me a box of herbal products for me to take as she claimed 'doctors are not good in every medicine, especially when it's a non-Muslim doctor who doesn't know anything about what a Muslim should digest in the system', or whether the medicines are halal and free from alcohol or porcine.

To these messages, I kindly reply them politely with a smiley emoji and a thumb up. There's no point in trying to make them believe something I believe because they will always think they're right and I'm wrong.