A Silent Lover

1. TaekWoon

It's not stalking! I just came here for coffee and she happened to be here. if I look over at her sometimes, I'm not hurting anyone, right? I told myself for the fifth time in as many minutes. I groaned internally at my thoughts, knowing that they sounded weak even to my ears. What I was doing had to be as close to stalking as a person could get, but I didn't want to stop. It had been almost two months since I'd come into my favorite coffee shop and found her here. Since then, I hadn't been the same.

Back when I'd first seen her, it had still been cold outside even though spring had officially begun. I had been coming to the same café for almost a year since it was so close to our dorm. But that day was different; when I'd walked inside I had automatically noticed a new face. She was sitting next to the the cafe's large windows, watching something on her phone with headphones on. Her shoulders had been shaking as she'd laughed and something about that laugh had made me take a second look. At first, I'd just ignored her like I usually did everyone else. She wasn't being loud enough to annoy me and plus she was a foreigner. It would draw too much attention to me if I spoke to her and unwanted attention was my ultimate allergy.

I had gotten my favorite latte and sat down at a table farther back into the room. Popping in my own set of earbuds, I was ready to get lost in the music on my phone when I had unconsciously taken a second glance at her. She had looked up at the same time to take a drink from whatever was in the mug on her table and our eyes had met. From then on I had been lost, but she'd only smiled at me politely and gone back to her show. And even though I had tried, I couldn't get her out of my mind.

Over the next few days I couldn't help going to the coffee shop at all hours, hoping that I'd see her again. I was lucky because she had a set routine and like clockwork usually came in during the evening after regular working hours. She even ordered the same raspberry tea each time. I found myself staring at her while she sat there, sometimes filling out paperwork, sometimes on the phone, and sometimes just sitting quietly with a book.

Her tinkling laugh was usually on replay, stuck in my head all day during dance and vocal practices. I hadn't been able to sing anything but love songs since I'd seen her. But I knew nothing would come from my infatuation. I was too shy to speak to her and she was too beautiful to even notice me. And so, I sat there day after day and just watched her.

It was the middle of my third week of stalker-like behavior when I first saw her up close. I had just left the Jellyfish entertainment studio. Vocal practice had gone well and recording was getting done faster than ever before. I had been happy that day and I hadn't been paying attention to where I was going. It surprised me when I bumped into someone and they fell against me.

"Joseonghaeyo," I had said quietly, grabbing the arm of the girl I'd almost knocked over.

"Aniyo, gwenchana," a voice said back and they looked up at me with a smile. I froze when I took a good look at her. It was the girl I'd been watching and secretly calling Bitna, but only in my head. I was too shocked in that moment and slowly I felt my face moving into a scowl. I tried to avoid my usual fierce expression but I could tell by her face that I hadn't succeeded.

I'd felt embarrassed and shy; it had been too late to take back the look that comes automatically when I get like that. She didn't say anything else after seeing the look on my face and quickly walked away from me.
Back then, I had almost want to yell out in frustration, but I'd held it back and felt the pinpricks of tears instead. I didn't want to be like this, especially not with her, the one person I wanted to know the most. I was worried that I would never be able to face her again after what had happened. That day I had turned back around, forgetting about the latte I had wanted and heading back to the dorm. I prayed that the noise of the members would help me to forget the look she had on her face as she pulled away from me.