A Silent Lover

23. Imani

"Mom it's too early! I don't feel like going to school anymore, can't we stay home today?" My son whined as I once more attempted to pull him from underneath the covers of his bed, trying in vain to get him ready for the day ahead. I watched as he flopped himself around in the bedsheets to avoid my hands and I stepped back in irritation, fed up with his antics. Jae had been like this for the better part of the month and he was getting increasingly worse each day. Huffing under my breath, I felt my patience snap.

"Jae, that's enough. You wanted to go to school during the summer and these are the consequences. Now move it mister!"

Hearing my tone, JaeHyun got up out of his bed with a sulking noise, clearly aware that I was fed up with his actions but still wanting to resist in some small way. I watched as he shuffled himself into the bathroom and I made sure I heard him turn on the water and step into the shower before I left him to his own devices.

Jae had been acting out of character ever since TaekWoon had left for Japan and I knew it was because he was missing his presence. It had been hard on him these last few weeks but instead of sadness, defiance had been his expression of choice. They were small acts and just childishness mostly, but coming from my little boy who had always been more grown-up then he should've been, I hadn't been ready for that sort of behavior. But how could I blame him for acting out because he missed TaekWoon when I missed him even more?

Somehow, he had wormed himself into our lives so strongly that we both felt empty without him, our little family incomplete. I almost envied Jae his ability to act out because I had no such recourse. Instead I had to hold in my feelings, getting more frustrated as each day passed. Because the truth was that I loved TaekWoon fiercely and his absence had made me examine my emotions until I had no other choice than to admit it. But no matter that I was feeling his loss too, we still needed to continue on with life because school and work waited for no man.

We were finally out of the door two hours later, and unable to keep up his churlish mood for long, Jae was back to his usual self by the time I dropped him off at his school building. I got out of the car and took Jae's hand in mine, ready to walk him to his class just like usual but today he stopped me.

"Eomma, I'm big enough to walk to class by myself now," he told me with a happy smile and the sight of it made the breaking of my heart ease just the tiniest amount.

"Oh, gurae? Well then, have a good day sweetie," I told him in as steady a tone as I could manage while I dropped a kiss on the top of his head. I watched him until I couldn't follow his small body behind the glass doors of the entryway, so quickly swallowed up into a life that was completely removed from me and the world we shared. Feeling more than a little despondent, I made my way back to the car and began to drive to the construction site of my new building.

Already JaeHyun was getting too big to be coddled and I felt that loss acutely; ultimately the fate of all parents would be that at some point their children would no longer need them. I suddenly wished for his petulance of this morning to last just a few more days, the need to keep my baby a baby for just a little while longer grabbing hold of me.

I wanted to talk to TaekWoon suddenly, to tell him of this new development, to discuss the ironies of parenthood and how lonely it could be. However nowadays there was no simple way of communicating with my husband. Between photoshoots, music video filming, variety show appearances, practices and live performances across Japan, there was very little time for Leo of Vixx to be my TaekWoon. Of course, he made sure to text me a few times every day and saved his phone or video calls until nighttime when he knew Jae would be home.

Those moments were easy to handle since TaekWoon and Jae did most of the talking, each of them desperately curious about every minute fact about the others' day. But the more private calls that took place after JaeHyun had gone to bed for the night? Those ones made me shiver in anticipation. It felt different now that I knew I was in love; every phone conversation, every Skype or FaceTime session, seemed to have a deeper meaning to it.