The Switch (GirlxGirl)

Chapter 11: L'Ennui

Song: Your Soul - Gothic Tropic

So obviously that can't happen again. I cannot kiss Elizabeth. Especially in public places. The trouble we could get in even just being in each other's company outside of school is beyond okay. She may be smart and tall and sexy as hell but I can't risk being with her. As much as I want to claim her mine, there's no guarantee that we'll be together and safe for a long time.

That's what I've been rehearsing in the car outside of Elizabeth's apartment building. I have to tell her that I can't do this anymore. She won't want to. She'll put up a fight I know she will. Just like when I said I wasn't gay. She'll know that I can't be without her but...

A knock on my window startles me from my thoughts. I look up and see Elizabeth's smiling face. Showtime.

"Are you going to come inside or just sit in your car out here?" She asks through the glass. I open the door and she steps back to allow me room. I give her a smile but she can tell something's wrong. Immediately her eyebrows furrow and concern fills her eyes. "What's wrong?" She asks, rubbing my arm in comfort. I pull away and avoid her eyes. I don't know if I can do this.

"Can we go inside?" I ask with a weak voice. She nods and ushers me quickly into the building, her gentle hand never leaving my lower back.

As soon as we enter the apartment I feel a rush of emotions wash over me. She makes me so happy but I'm about to cut off all contact with her other than school. We walk to her room and as we sit on her bed I feel my eyes water. My lip quivers and she instantly pulls me into her warm embrace. Little does she know it's only making things worse.

"Elizabeth I-" I try to confess my situation but she interrupts me.

"Shh darling, it's okay." Her hand softly brushes my hair. I close my eyes, trying to gain the courage to tell her. I push away from her embrace and wipe the tears from my face. Looking up through my eyelashes I see her confused expression. God why can't she just have her normal confident poker face?

"Elizabeth I can't be with you." I surprise myself when my voice is clear and smooth. Elizabeth is obviously taken aback. I knew she wouldn't believe me.

"What are you saying?" She scoots closer to me on the bed and holds my chin so my face is lifted. I look her in the eyes, unable to hide the pain in my expression. "Honey what happened?"

"Don't please." Hearing her voice weaken ruins me. I can't hear her call me these things without a huge weight pressing down on my chest. It feels like I can't breathe.

"Xena obviously this isn't what you want. Did someone find out?" Her concern is expected, she should be worried about her reputation. I hold her jaw and watch her face longingly. My thumb grazes her lower lip while I bite my own.

"No. But they will. I can't put you through this Elizabeth you're going to get hurt." I hold my chest as it feels like it's going to burst. My breathing is irregular as tears fall down my cheeks. Elizabeth lifts her hand in order to dry my face but I turn from her. I can't have her touch anymore. Not after tonight.

"Nonsense. Xena you doing this right now is hurting me. I'd rather see you happy than anything else. Don't hurt yourself in order to save me. I can take care of myself, trust me. I'm a big girl." She jokes to lighten the situation and naturally I crack a smile.

"I know that." I say quietly with a smile. Her hand slowly lifts to my jaw and she pushes my face up yet again.

"Then what's the problem?" She says with a laugh as if she's not believing I'm doing this. I smile despite the tears still streaming out of my eyes.