Mr. Cinderella (5SOS) {discontinued}

(15) I Still Want This

I let my eyes flutter gently shut as I inch forward slightly.  I can feel Luke's breath on my skin, and yet I don't feel his lips on mine.  After a few uncertain beats like this, I wonder if maybe he doesn't want this or he doesn't want me and that by forcing something like this, I'm not only going to ruin the friendship we had, but that, consequently, I'm going to have to cut all ties with all members of 5 Seconds of Summer because of the awkwardness and tension between Luke and I.  Just as I am about open my eyes and see if he's even still there or if he's simply walked out, I feel Luke's lips brush mine.  For a moment, we stay like that, not doing anything, just being.

And then he pulls away.

Automatically, my eyes open and I find myself dejectedly searching for Luke.  I don't have to look far - he's right in front of me, exactly where he was when I shut my eyes, only he's sitting slightly further back. "Luke," I utter, although I'm not sure if I'm asking what happened, or offering to explain myself, or if I'm speaking his name for no reason at all.

Taking a shaky breath, Luke lifts his head to connect his gaze with mine, but I'm too mortified to look at him so I quickly lower my head, letting my hair fall in dark sheets across my face.  "I just don't think it's a good idea," is all he says.  My eyebrows furrow in confusion as I try to figure out what he means, or if he even said what I think he did.

"What?" I whisper, my voice hoarse from all the crying I've done today.  I'm not sure I've heard him correctly.

To my dismay, Luke nods.  "I just feel like you'd be using me to help you move on from what happened, and that isn't fair on either of-"

"Using you?"  I cut him off disbelievingly.  I didn't think Luke would have this poor of an opinion of me - what have I done to merit that?  "Why would I use you, Luke?  Why would I jeopardise any sort of relationship with you, platonic or romantic or anything else?"  My voice cracks, and from the sudden panicked look that has appeared in his eyes, I can tell that Luke's sensing my current emotional instability.  The good news is that, after today, I don't think I'm going to be able to cry again for years; there won't be any tears left to cry.

"No, no," Luke backtracks hastily, eyes wide with fear.  "I just meant that, considering everything that's happened today, maybe it's not the best idea to be jumping into something new.  I'd feel like I'm your rebound or something, and I'm pretty confident that you want that about as much as I do - so, y'know, not all that much."

I smile weakly, giving a light but completely humourless laugh.  "Trust me, I'd prefer to be a rebound than to be the girl that got cheated on," I say, immediately hating myself for saying it, for the neediness I'm conveying.  All I'm doing is making people feel sorry for me, and that's something I've always resented.  Plus, Luke's eyes widen slightly, and I realise it probably sounds as though I had been wanting to use him as a rebound.  Hastily, I shake my head.  "I wasn't - I didn't - I don't want you to be my rebound.  I don't want anyone to be my rebound."  I sigh, relieved that I finally managed to actually formulate a sentence that makes sense.  "Although," I add, "there are easier ways of telling me you don't like me like that."

I mean it in a jocular, lighthearted sense, but Luke appears to have taken my comment one hundred per cent seriously.  He stares at me, and his face looks almost unrecognisable without a glint in his eyes or a smile twitching at his lips.  "I like you, Yasmin," he admits, and while I initially think he's just saying it to humour me and make me feel better about myself, I know from the seriousness exhibited on his face in addition to the way he says it - his voice is confident and unwavering - that Luke is being wholly genuine.  "I just generally prefer to take things more slowly.  Plus, I'm pretty sure that I like you a hell of a lot more than you like me."  I'm about to interject, to argue that he's wrong, but with a pointed glare, he silences me and continues.  "If you still want this tomorrow, once we're both a bit calmer and more rational, and things aren't quite so crazy, then we can see what happens.  But I don't want to rush into anything."