I Try

Chapter 28 - Aftermath

Beth's Point of View

I opened my eyes to the sound of the bedroom door opening. I swam into consciousness slowly, unsure where I was.

It took me about three seconds to remember where I was.

Another three, and the night before came barrelling back to me like a train.

"Hi," Lauren sat down on the edge of the bed. Her face was expressionless. She was waiting for me to show my cards.

I didn't move. I stared at the way my hands were folded underneath my stomach, knotted together.

"How are you?" Her voice gave her away; it cracked.

I shook my head, my own voice untrustworthy.

"Do you want me to stay here?"

I shook my head again.

"Do you want me to leave?"

I nodded.

"Okay," she said, standing up again and walking out of the room.

"Are you sure about this?"

I was out of breath and fighting all of my instincts to connect our lips again. I struggled to understand his question.

His eyes drove into mine like lightning. That's what this felt like. Pure electricity.

"Yes," I said, and he seemed to accept my certainty.

I slammed my fist into the bed, angry for remembering so clearly. I wanted to forget more than ever. I wished I could erase Nash from my brain. I wanted the pain to stop.

I felt my eyelids getting heavy again. I prayed that I wouldn't dream.

"Where is she?"

The voice rocketed me awake. I sat straight up in bed, my breathing paralyzed. It couldn't be real.

"In the bedroom. She's sleeping," I could hear my sister say.

"Shall I wait?"

"Yes," another responded. It was Zack. His tone was cold, as though he were evaluating the newcomer.

"All right," he said. "Thank you for calling me." The second part was not addressed toward Zack. I guessed he was talking to my sister.

"You're welcome," she said quietly.

"How is she?"

No one answered.

I was still frozen on the bed, clutching the sheets in the spaces between my fingers. It couldn't be him. Given our last conversation, I had wondered if we would ever see each other again.

"I can't do this anymore, Beth. I can't--can't be your friend when the only thing I want to do is be more, can't watch you love someone else, especially the father of your baby. I wish I could, I really do, but I can't."

I had to be dreaming it. He wasn't actually here.

"You're saying that because of the feelings you insist I have for Jim, you refuse to associate with me? Maybe I don't love him, have you ever thought of that? Have you ever thought that maybe, like you, people make mistakes? I wish every day that I hadn't done what I did but it's done, so if you would stop punishing me for it that would be greatly appreciated."

Our words ran through my head for the thousandth time since we had said them.

"I don't know," Lauren finally answered.

I felt my body come back to life. I could move my hands, crawling them over the bedspread. My legs followed me and soon I was standing on the floor, holding the door knob in my hand.

I hesitated. Was he really here?

Was he really here for me?

I held my breath and opened the door. Walking into the kitchen, all eyes fell onto me. Lauren and Zack looked at me in surprise. I could see the complication in their gaze; they were there the night before. They had seen everything.

Bryan turned around and I felt the dam stopping everything in me break open. It was like nothing at all had changed when he looked at me, but I knew it had. There was an insurmountable wall between where I'd left him and where I was now. I crumbled.

He rushed forward, gathering me in his arms. His hands were in my hair, whispering words in my ear.

"I'm so sorry," I sobbed against him.

"No, no. No, no. Sh," he held me tighter. "It's okay. It'll all be okay."

Lauren and Zack decided to give us some time alone. It was actually Lauren's idea. She had to practically drag Zack away. He asked me three times if I wanted him to stay. He didn't seem to be handling all this that well.

But then, I don't think any of us were.

Bryan sat with his hands on his knees, avoiding eye contact as if afraid if engaged I would react the way an animal might. I folded my arms over my chest, then undid them, feeling awkward.

"I shouldn't have said any of those awful things," I said under my breath.

Bryan looked up quickly. "Please don't apologize."

"I didn't mean any of--"

"Stop. You have nothing to apologize for. I'm the idiot."

A smile formed on my lips against my will. Then, remembering, I instantly stopped.

He put his hand on my leg. "I know I said some things before you left, and I just want you to know that it's okay. I know you don't feel that way and I'm fine. I'm here for you. Anything that you need. Okay?"

I stared down at his hand for a second, then back up at him. I didn't know what to say.

"I promise," he insisted.

I inhaled sharply, still perplexed about what to say. I was at a loss. Finally, I nodded my head. "O...okay."

He grasped my hand, squeezing it tight. He smiled a little. The smile reached his eyes, making them shine in that way that they always did. We sat like that on the couch, floating in the space of the aftermath.