I Try

Chapter 6 - Confused

Beth’s Point of View

Because Anna and Erika came to class separately from us, they take their car home and Bryan and I take ours. I avoid eye contact with him the whole way back to the apartment. I have a feeling he’s alright with sharing me for the afternoon (joking, of course), but he seems on edge and I know it’s to do with me. 

I keep my eyes on the window, my thoughts drifting to my sister. I miss her. 

When we were kids, my dad always played favorites. Especially after my mom died. I don’t think he meant to, but he did. He watched movies with Lauren a lot of weekends and sent the rest of us to our grandparents’ house. 

Lauren and I were closer before it all. Before we understood what it was to feel pain. 

Because Lauren never stood up to him, and I did, I was never his favorite. For years, it stung every time I was reminded. But eventually, I wondered why I wanted to be in the first place. 

“Beth?”

“Hm?”

“We’re home.” he tells me. I nod and open my own car door before he can run around. I hate making him go out of his way. The door latch clicks into place as I walk slowly into the building. 

“Bryan?” I say. 

“Hm?” he smirks, copying me. 

“Something wrong?” I dare to ask. 

His eyes change, sprinkled with flecks of doubt intermixed through the beautiful, seemingly ever-changing colors. Now they looked see-through hazel. “Nope,” he shakes his head. I instantly know he’s lying. 

“You’re not telling me the truth right now,” I state, crossing my arms over my chest. I stand still in the lobby. 

“Stop it, Beth.” He snaps, very unlike himself, and continues right past me. I feel crestfallen. What had I done now?

“Bryan.” I call his name, watching him walk through the lobby without me. I want to chase him down but I feel especially worn out after the eventful class this morning. I nod at Tim as I pass him, who gives me a kind of goofy salute. 

“Bryan!” I call louder. 

He stops walking but I can tell he’s even more upset. “What?” he asks. 

“Why are you being like this?” I question. 

“I’m taking the elevator,” he says without so much as an explanation. I watch his retreating back disappear around the corner. 

I took a deep breath and stared at the metal doors.

“Bryan, please!” I chased after him, I don’t know why I was so desperate for him to stop being so cold. I just wanted him to be my goofy superman - the best friend that I loved.

Wait - did I just say I love him? But it’s not like that, I reassure myself, not like that.I clear my head to shake my thoughts as I see him, standing there watching the lights above the closed heavy, shiny, steel doors count down slowly. I can see my reflection, blurry, and it hits me hard.

I look just like-

The ding of the elevator startles a yelp out of me as my heart cringes at my own reflection. A stiffness in my throat threatens to choke me as I realize that I had never thought about how much I looked like her before. I had almost forgotten what my own mother looked like, it had been so long. Too long. 

I blink my eyes and stare down at my shaking hands. I am sure Bryan glanced at me, and is watching me now, but I’m also sure that any second now he will turn away and walk away from me.