I Try

Chapter 4 - Nerds

Beth’s Point of View

On Monday morning, Bryan drags me - literally, drags me - out of bed, forces cereal down my throat, plus these prenatal vitamins he’s been convinced I need, and tosses clothes at my face. I rub the sleep from my eyes when I emerge and he captures my wrist. 

“No! I don’t want to go!” I dig my heels into the rug. 

“Beth! You’re going!”

I shake my head over and over, sliding further and further down until my butt lands on the carpet and Bryan is over my head, a firm hold still on my arm. “Elizabeth.” I physically flinch when he says that and pull as far away as I can from him. 

“What...what’s wrong?”

My chest is tight as I curl inward like the child Bryan always accuses me of being and squeeze my eyes tight so that tears can’t escape. I want to be stronger than this. I have to be stronger...for the baby. 

This thought is enough to pull me together and I stand up, brushing imaginary dust off my clothes. Bryan is staring as if I’ve sprouted a second head and I mutter a lame excuse, edging around him to the kitchen to eat dry toast. If I could stomach it I would eat more, but unfortunately, I can only hold down toast and tea. 

I nibble on the corner of the bread while Bryan bustles around my apartment. Blueberry lies sleeping in the cat bed we bought after adopting her a few days ago, and I feel my heart melt all over again when I watch her nose twitch in her sleep. 

“Beth?” 

I look up from my daydream. “Hm?”

“Ready?” he asks, giving me doubtful glances. I nod, forcing a smile and hop down from the stool by my kitchen counter, retrieving my bag from the couch. Bryan is forcing me to return to my classes today once he found I’d been ditching them to avoid him when we were fighting. 

In the car, silence surrounds us. His knuckles are clenched tightly around the wheel and I want to ask why when just days ago he was relaxed and smiling while driving, but I watch the Berkeley scenery flip by our windows. 

“Are you going to your classes today?” I ask, turning to look at him. 

His eyes dart to my face before settling back on the road. “I have my Biology class in the morning. After that I’m done, so I’ll probably go back home and fix us lunch?” he asks. 

I nod. “Home” meaning my apartment. I don’t think he’s been to his place in several days. We looked at futons on the Internet the other day so that he won’t have to sleep on the couch any longer. 

“Beth?” he speaks again after a beat of quiet. 

“Yes?” 

“Why did you react that way, to your name?”

I swallow, picking at my fingers in my lap. “It’s...complicated, Bryan.” His knuckles stay tight around the wheel. “I don’t know if I’m ready to talk about everything.” I state, feeling guilty instantly for keeping something from my best friend. 

Like the good person he is, he nods immediately. “I understand.”

We reach my building and he slows, pulling up closer so that I don’t have to walk so far. I smile at him, trying to show him how much I appreciate his generosity. “See you in a couple hours?” I ask him, placing my hand on the center console. 

He nods. “Grilled cheese sound good?” He questions, referring to lunch. 

I think it over for a second. “Yep. Hopefully I can keep it down.” I reply, grimacing. I know he remembers how I lost his scrambled eggs. We can laugh about it now but then it was just disgusting.