Above the Clouds (On Hold Indefinitely)

7. Trust

I have to squint through my sensitive eyes as I push the window open, causing its hinges to squeak because of its lack of use. Well, I'm assuming it wasn't used much until a couple weeks ago when I woke up here. Since then, it's been used everyday by me opening it for some fresh, cool air. Once I open it as far as I can, I lean into it with a sigh, breathing the thin air in deeply. It's quite cold, but I don't care as I lean over the threshold of safety. Seeing the clouds like this still takes my breath away. Somedays, it is so thick that their mist invades my room. Today, though, is one of the clearer days which I enjoy even more since I can see some of the surrounding, mountainous area. For miles, peaks raise and fall all around. My home isn't on the largest mountain, but it's still high enough to be above the clouds.

I lean further down, glancing at the deep ravine below. There's no way of telling just how far the drop would be, but I can definitely say it would be a fatal one. Jagged rocks protrude from the mountain, making the fall even less inviting. For some reason, I continue to lean farther, though, testing my limits in a way. By no means am I trying to jump, but at the moment I'm rather bored. Why not get my heart racing by forcing myself to face my fear of heights? I laugh to myself at the irony. I'm deathly afraid of heights, yet here I am living in a small castle on top of mountain.

I still can't believe most of what has happened to me, and to make it harder, I still can't remember much of anything. I think that parts of my personality will shine through at times because I find myself doing things without realizing why I am, like loving to watch the sunrise whenever possible. In a way, this makes it harder because I want to know more. I want to know more about me and my past that makes me me. I want to know about Casten. He has been so... patient and sweet with me. I feel bad that I still can't open up to him or even touch him on my own initiative, but I just can't shake the feeling that something is off here. I'm missing part of me, and in its place is a gaping hole that I just can't seem to get around. Thankfully, I do feel myself becoming more comfortable, and Casten has been so understanding.

I'm starting to think that I'll be okay if I don't get my memories back. I can make new ones, right? If I loved this life before, I theoretically should love it again with time. If I loved Casten before, that feeling must still be somewhere in me. I just need to find it and he needs to lead the way.

My apprehensiveness diminishes day by day, giving way to acceptance. This is my life. It was before my amnesia just as it is after. Maybe I need to take a leap of faith. Not a leap down this mountain, of course, but a metaphorical one.

Suddenly there's a gasp behind me, causing me to jump. I grip the window edge tightly to keep myself from jumping right out the window. I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't hear the door to my room open.

"Mistress Leviten, you must be careful!"

That would be much easier if people didn't sneak up on me, I laugh to myself. Releasing my firm grip, I take a step from the window and turn to Lise. She is dressed in her normal attire of a simple cotton dress with sleeves that come down to her forearm, but today it is charcoal rather than black, the only other color I've seen her in. Part of me is almost envious of her dresses because they seem so soft and freeing compared to my often scratchy and constricting dresses. Her light brown hair is falling out of her messy bun, and her normally big eyes are even bigger since they are wide in fear for me. "Oh Lise, you worry so much," I smile lightly.

She's normally such a quiet girl that I'm surprised she spoke. Most of the time she is wordless, making my days feel even longer. Other than Casten, I don't really talk to anyone because I never see anyone else. There are the few guards, of course, but they are quieter than Lise. They are much less inviting as well.

Casten frequents visitors, but never ones I see because they are all here for some sort of business matter. He never goes into much detail about them, wanting to keep work and family separate, as he says. Anyway, that might be the longest phrase Lise has uttered, and I can't help but wonder why. Her voice sounds like a chime. It's nice to hear, especially against the silence of everything else.