Above the Clouds (On Hold Indefinitely)

3. What if Ignorance isn't Always Bliss?

When I say that I've never had a night that was more restless, I am not exaggerating one bit. Last night was one full of tossing and turning in my sheets, regret consuming my thoughts. I think I was too harsh, but at the same time he was harsh too.

Perhaps I did blame him for some things that are out of his control. Perhaps I shouldn't have been so blinded by my anger. Still, he needed to know how I've been feeling.

It's ironic in a way, though. I would've thought that I would've felt better after letting all my pent up emotions out, but I don't. Not at all. The reality of it is, I feel so much worse. I was just so full of sadness, guilt, and pain that it made for a really long night.

I still feel all of those things now, but not as intensely. I have even more thoughts on my mind now. My poor mind is so nervous for tonight that I can barely think. I'm nervous for the ball. I'm anxious to have the eyes of so many strangers on me at once. I'm scared to see William, who I haven't seen since our fight last night.

It doesn't matter how I feel about all those fears, however. I'll have to face all three at once.

There's a knock on my door, forcing me to get out of my bed for the first time today. I skipped breakfast and lunch, too lost in my thoughts to move. This time I know I have to get up. I'm assuming it's Helena, here to help me get dressed for the ball tonight.

My assumptions are confirmed when the door opens without me granting permission for entrance. The only person who would do that is Helena. She's always been so bold against formalities, which I always found to be one of her charms. A simple black gown compliments her body. Her fiery hair is pulled back messily, and her violet eyes look at me inquisitively. It doesn't take her long to say, "Wow, you look horrid."

Yes, tell me something I don't know. If I wasn't so distraught with worry, I probably would have laughed at her bluntness.

She shuts the door and crosses the room to be closer to me. "So, are you going to tell me what's wrong?" Helena asks.

My only response is a blink. She knows I don't trust her like I used to. I found out that she lied to me my entire life about who she was. Although her intentions were good, I can't help but shake the feeling that she's not telling me the truth. Well, I know for sure that's she's hiding something important about me. She knows what's so "special" about me. She's just not very skilled at hiding it. Helena holds the answers  to all of the questions I've been asking. She just refuses to tell me for some absurd reason, which she also won't tell me.

So I've decided that if she won't tell me her secrets, I won't tell her mine. Petty, yes, but unfair? No, I don't think so.

"Ah, so we're playing the silent game, eh?" She questions with just a hint of teasing. "Well I've never been much good at that game, but you can play it while I talk. I understand that sometimes there are things that ladies don't want to talk about."

I give her a small smile to show my gratitude. When someone pries and you don't want to give, it can be very aggravating. It's better to leave people be when they don't want to talk. Save you both the trouble.

"Now, lets get to living you back up again. You look like you didn't get a wink of sleep last night. Come now, let's start you a bath."

So that's how the rest of my afternoon goes. I wash, relax, and have very little done with make up and my hair just the way I like it. Really, we didn't need as much time as we used, but Helena enjoys taking her time. She filled the quiet air with her one of a kind charisma. I find myself smiling and laughing, nearly forgetting about last night and why I'm cautious towards her.

While I don't forget it completely, I do push it to the back of my mind. I find myself in a much better mood when it's over. I must give Helena credit when it's due: she tries really hard. She knows I don't trust her like I once did, but she likes to act like I do, vying for it back. She knows I'm not as open, but she does manage to cheer me up. She tries so hard to make things right, and I admire her for it. Still, part of me just can't let things go back to how they were. I can't when I know that she is still hiding something from me.