If I Could Tell Him {A "Dear Evan Hansen" Fanfiction}

Chapter 1

Three loud knocks at his bedroom door. A short pause between them, then the air startling thud.

"Connor! Get up! It's your last day of the year! I don't want you late!", yelled his mother, Cynthia, from outside of his room.

Connor Murphy opened his eyes slowly. There were dark circles beneath them and his hair was all a mess. That night he had slept in his day clothes and he reeked of pot.

"Connor!", three more knocks. "If you make me yell one more time, I am coming in there!"

"Fuck! I am getting up!"

Finally, he arose. His nose caught the lingering pot smell and he finally felt awake. Shit. He can't smell like this. Very frantic, Connor looked around for new clothes. All around his room, clothes were piling up in corners and hanging on every edge. His search for "clean clothes" finished as soon as it started. With no time, Connor grabbed his black hoodie, put it on over his pot ridden clothes, zipped it up and opened the door.

To his surprise, his mom was not there waiting for him like she usually does. And so he made his way to the bathroom.

Once the door was closed, Connor took the time to look at his reflection. Oh my god. Constantly saying "shit" under his breath, Connor took off his hoodie and began applying deodorant to mask the strong smell. It sorta worked. Next, his hair.

At first, he simply combed his hands through to get it remotely straight. But it was to no avail. Before he could reach for a comb, he was interrupted.

"Connor! I heard you were getting up but I don't see you down here!"

"Lay off, mom! I'm coming! God!"

With no time, he left the bathroom with what he could do. And so, the hoodie went back on and he left the bathroom.

"Connor! Get down her-"

"Mom! I am right here!", Connor yelled as he entered the dining room.

"No yelling at your mother, young man.", Connor's father, Larry, scolded him.

Connor ignored his father's wishes and continued on grabbing for a waffle in the middle of the table.

"We thought you died.", Zoe commented from the opposite side of the table.

Cynthia gave her a glare.

"Well, I thought you died. They thought you were getting high or something."

At that moment, Connor couched out the waffle he had just put into his mouth. Cynthia and Larry, well not Larry, he was too invested in the morning paper, gave Connor a concerned look. It took some time for Connor to regain his previous posture.

"Gosh, did I hit a nerve or something?"

"Just shut the fuck up, Zoe."

"Connor! Don't talk like that to your sister."

"Yeah yeah, I'm going."

"Wait for your sister Con-", but before Cynthia could finish her request, Connor had left the dining room and shortly after that, the house.

The fact is, Connor had just started experimenting with pot three months ago. He had been keeping it a secret from his family since then and planned on keeping it that way. The coy joke Zoe made that morning caught him a little off guard. He didn't care if Zoe knew or not. It was his parents he was concerned with.

The walk to school allowed Connor to think somewhat. The only reason why he started pot is from the overwhelming stress. Well, stress that he gave himself. The pot secret was the least of his worries. For the past few months, Connor had slowly started to learn things about himself. Somethings that would possibly damage his well being if the world knew. So, he buried them. But as the weeks went by, those secrets only became stronger.