A Collection of My Thoughts || Poems & Prose (Inspired by Lang Leav) #wattys2019

Promise

When sadness overwhelms me, I tend to try and distract myself with my phone. It's something I like to do after I get yelled at for doing something wrong. It helps me because it makes me focus on different things rather than the negative thoughts running through my head.

It helps. I know it does. Especially when I watch something I love. Or see the people I idolize and adore on social media. It makes me feel better.

But then, sometimes things like that only last for while. The small happiness I would feel watching those boys on the other side of the screen would disappear as my opponent, the one who is angry at me, takes my phone away thinking that this is a punishment for me.

I sit there on the couch, my hands now empty. I hear the switching of knobs and turning and clicks that came through the thin walls that separated two rooms. It was then I realized that my coping mechanism is now gone.

It doesn't hurt that much, to not have the device with me. I sit there. Heaviness weighing over my chest.

I feel it. The words already spilling and flowing in my mind. An eye of mine twitches and the corner of my lip quivers as all these pessimistic ideas start attacking me from every direction.

I tried to shield myself from all of these, to stop it from happening. Because it is not something i want to feel, not something i want to experience again.

I then feel a tear slide out of my eye down my cheek. Soon enough, more stones could be felt piling up on my torso, pushing me lower and lower.

And now I don't know what to do. The feeling of wanting to hurt myself rushes through me. I inwardly shake my head, knowing that doing that is wrong. I shouldn't do it.

I try to think. Maybe I could use my laptop. But what if that gets confiscated too? I could read a book.. no. If I read some Lang Leav Poetry it would just add to all of this stress. And reading a new novel is not something I am motivated to do now.

What can I do?

I don't know anymore.

I can only cry.

Because I promised someone.

I can't slice my skin.