Carmen Karma[Adopted by MCR]

Chapter 11- Sleep

I slowly snaked my way out of my bunk. Gerard and Frank had somehow swapped places sometime last night. I grabbed Gerard's phone which he left at the bottom of the bunk. I looked at the time, 5:45 AM. I sighed and walked to the kitchen. I grabbed an apple from the fridge and turned on a movie.

"You shouldn't be up yet." Ray walked out from the bunk area.

"Good morning to you too?" I chuckled. "Why are you up?"

"I heard the movie." Ray sat next to me. "Can you turn it off?"

"Frank put you up to this." I poked his stomach.

"Please go back to the bunk. He's been bugging me as soon as he felt you weren't there." Ray said, rubbing his eyes.

"But-"

"No buts, please. I'm tired and Frank is on his fucking period, just go back to the bunk." Ray said taking my apple and throwing it away.

He held out his hand. I took it with a loud sigh, he sighed too. "I know you aren't going to sleep, but don't leave the bunk." Ray whispered as we arrived at my bunk. He slid into the bunk under mine, and I climbed up into mine.

"Carmen, please, for the love of god, get some sleep." Frank pulled me down onto the pillow next to him. Now I was on the wall side, Frank was in the middle, and Gerard was almost falling off of the bunk.

"Don't be so rough Frankie." Gerard pushed Frank slightly.

"Sorry, do you want her in the middle?" Frank said flipping me to the middle.

"Well, she is my daughter." Frank and Gerard wrapped their arms around me.

"Can I-"

"No, get some sleep, then we'll talk in the morning." Gerard said. Then everything was silent.

Yet again, I was left to my thoughts. I listened to everyone quietly breathe in and out. I heard a thud come from the kitchen area. I grabbed Gerard's shirt and pulled. "Gerard, someone, anyone."

"Carmen? Carmen are you still up? I told you to get to sleep." Gerard said in a groggy voice.

I shoved my hand over his mouth. "Someone is in the kitchen." I whispered. "What do we do?"

"I'll go check it out, we are driving right now, it's probably the driver." He smiled.

I heard him slowly walk out, breathing slowly and cautiously. He sighed in relief. I quickly got up, kicking Frank in the process. "Jesus!" Frank yelled. I ignored him and rushed to Gerard. Gerard was picking up a bowl.

"Just a bowl." He smiled. "Oh good morning Frankie!" Gerard hugged Frank.

"I'll make coffee." Frank sighed walking over to the coffee pot.

I went to say something to Frank, but Gerard grabbed my shoulder. I looked at him questionably, he shook his head. "What?"

"Go get the others up, then we can all talk." Gerard smiled and then walked over to Frankie.

"Okay?" I went to the bunks and woke everyone up. They all sighed as I told them Gerard told me to. "Sorry guys, but I guess Gerard wants to talk." I went back and sat at the table after that.

"Are the others coming?" Gerard said sipping his coffee. I nodded. Frank put his head down onto the table.

The others slowly came out and grabbed a drink of their choice. We all sat at the table in complete silence for an hour. Frank stared at me for a total of 15 minutes.

"So what did you want to talk about Gerard?" I asked breaking the silence.

"Well Carmen, I wanted to talk about you." He said running his hand through his hair.

I felt my heart sink down to my ass. The others showed no concern. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to keep you guys up all night. I'll sleep better, I promise! I won't annoy any of you! Please don't send me away!" I pleaded. Gerard looked surprised. The others were all staring at me.

"We aren't sending you away." Frank stated. His eyes closing slowly.

"We just want to talk and maybe understand why you were up all night. So why were you up all night?" Gerard said smiling.

I explained to them about Zach, and how I had to search for him. I had talked about the constant fear of being judged or sent away. I told them my parents still haunt my dreams, and how I hated my parents for having me sometimes. How I scratched my skin in different places all over my body just to feel something. The time I was so scared of Bob I wanted to end my life while walking with him for no more than 10 minutes. How I was scared to be anything, but perfect sometimes because perfect is the worst. The list went on and before I knew it, I had been talking for an hour.

"I'm so sorry." Is all Gerard could say before hugging me. "Carmen, have you ever been tested for anxiety or depression?" Gerard looked at me with a serious concern.

"I don't think so," I tapped my chin with my index finger. "maybe before I was put on a medicine when I was sick the one time."

"The first thing we are doing after this tour is getting you diagnosed." He smiled genuinely. "Stay strong until then."

"I will."

"I-" He stopped himself. "We love you, Carmen."

"I love you too." I rested my head on Gerard's shoulder.

We all talked for about two hours. I still had my head resting on Gerard's shoulder. At this point, I was sitting on Gerard's lap and was facing away from everyone. I slowly felt my eyelids get heavier and heavier. I wanted nothing more than to sleep, but at the same time, I wanted to listen to every word these men had to say.

I yawned. I slowly let sleep overtake me. I watched as everything first became out of focus, and then faded into a sea of black. I could still slight mumbling, but as if the noise read my mind, it stopped. I just need to sleep.