I Hate You, Mr. Boss-Man [18+]

022

"I know."

"You...you know?" I murmur in disbelief, my face twisting with confusion, my head still a bit fuzzy. "What do you mean, you know?"

Jesse sighs heavily, taking a seat in front of me onto one of the chairs, dropping his head in his hands. "I didn't think it would matter anyway," he confesses, not daring to look me in the eyes. "With or without it...it wouldn't have made a difference."

My mouth parts, my body froze with what he just said. "What?" I bemused, frowning slightly.

Jesse rises from the chair, turning his back to me as he started for the giant windows in his office, his hands tucking into his pockets. "I've restrained myself from telling you since we started dating," He murmurs, his voice soft and barely audible from a distance. Oh, so we were dating, just hadn't labeled each other. Got it.

"It took me a fucking century to get over it and try to engage something with you, it's ruined a lot of potential relationships before."

My stomach begins to drop, my heart starts to beat at a faster pace. Was he about to tell me he was a serial killer on the side? "Jesse?" I voice gently, pushing off his desk, taking a few steps closer to him, his back still facing me. "What is it?"

"Sweetheart, promise me that, what I'm about to say..." Jesse finally turns, his eyes casting down on mine, his features soft, a saddened gleam in his eyes. It tore at me, my heart-tugging with the way he was looking at me. "It won't change anything between us?"

My eyes go round, not expecting the vulnerability emitting from this hardened exterior of a man. Sure, there were times where he could be sweet but distaste for everything around him was displayed first. I reach for his face, cupping his cheek in my palm, he leans into my touch. "Promise," I answer, flashing him a reassuring smile.

 Jesse grabs both of my hands, taking them in his grasp, eyes flickering down to the floor for just a second before they meet mine again. "Fuck, I should've told you at the very beginning," He grunts, his grip tightening on my hands. "I'm giving you an out, okay?"

"Jesse,"

"No," He says, cutting me short. "I'm not going to hold you against your will. If what I'm going to tell you makes you biased or you want nothing to do with me at all, I won't judge you for what you decide."

Fear crawls up my throat, Jesse taking my hand to lead me to a chair. I sit down, watching him intently. Whatever he was going to tell me was clearly a difficult subject for him. He paces, running his fingers through his hair, spitting out incoherent words, stealing glances my way every chance he gets. "Jesse, you're scaring me. Just....tell me, please?" I plead, gripping the armrests of my chair.

"Fuck, and to think that you and I were going so well," He shakes his head, chuckling humorlessly. "I..." His eyes find mine, brows furling, lips thinning out. "I don't...I mean, I can't get you pregnant, Katherine."

My heart sinks immediately, suddenly feeling sick to my stomach. Did...did he not want kids? Is that what he was afraid of telling me, is that why women never gave him the chance or time of day? I found myself growing angry, bile coming up my throat. He must've seen my face, a huff of breath emitted from him.

"It's not that I don't want kids in the near future, fuck I'd kill just to have one," He admits, his voice breaking at the end. "I don't have a choice, baby," He croaks, stepping closer to me and he kneels to my level. Jesse takes my hands once again, holding them to brace me but, somehow, I think he was holding on for himself. "I'm sterile."

I inhale deeply, brows lifting in surprise. Sterile, not able to produce children; basically infertile. I render silent, trying to process what this could mean for us. It didn't change much on my end, I liked him a lot and I still saw the potential within. It made me ache, knowing he would never give me children. I had thought about starting a family in the near future, whether it be IVF or with someone I loved. It never occurred to me that the man I was slowly starting to give myself to, wouldn't even be an option.

"Sweetheart, please say something," Jesse pleads, reaching for my cheek, his thumb grazing the skin beneath. His eyes searched mine for an answer.

"How...um, when did you find out?" I whisper, unsure what I was feeling at the moment. All I knew is that my heart ached for him. I couldn't blow up right now, he was being raw and vulnerable with me, placing a certain trust in me that I don't think he would give anyone else. He and I were a lot alike in that department.

Jesse stands, pulling away for just a minute as he takes the chair beside me, dragging it so he could take a seat in front of me, our knees touching, his figure leaning forward to grab my hands once again. "I played a lot of football in high school," He begins, rubbing circles on my skin. "I was good, quarterback even," He smiles to himself, his eyes cast down at our hands. "It was the night of the homecoming game, and my dad had somehow convinced Uni scouts to attend. Football was my life, it was all I knew."

I remain quiet, letting him explain further. I'd leave all my questions for the end.

"Fifteen seconds left on the clock," Jesse's forehead creases with contempt, almost as if he were reliving it. "It was cold, my team was tired, we just wanted to get the game over with," He leans closer, his tone deepening. "I get ready to throw the ball to Jeffords, my running back, and before I could throw the ball—I'm on the ground, I can't breathe and it feels as if I'm being rammed by a bull."

"Jes-"

"The opposing team's defense went straight for me, he was the bull and I was that damn red flag that got waved around. It was so fast, like a flash—high beams on a lit road," Jesse shakes his head, thinning out his lips. "Next thing I know, I'm waking up in a hospital, I've got doctors checking vitals and drawing blood, I was unconscious for a while. Turns out that bull of defense had knocked me below the belt with enough weight to knock an elephant out cold." He sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose, then leans back in his chair, his knees still touching mine.

"Wait," I pipe up, waving my hand in dismissal. "How did you-"

"Hernia," Jesse responds, eyes shifting to mine. "It's rare but it happens. I had to get surgery, and there goes my football career."

I inhale deeply, absorbing everything he just said as if I were a sponge. My hands fall to my lap, tearing my eyes away from him, staring at my hands now. What the hell was I supposed to say to that? I knew that my feelings for him hadn't changed, even if he was lacking, I still felt like a relationship with him could work. I was okay with it being just us.

"Sweetheart-"

"I'm sorry that happened to you," I finally say, twiddling with my thumbs, my heart beating a thousand beats per second. "I can't imagine how I'd feel if I ever got that news," I say honestly, meeting his steel blues now. He was staring at me so intently, as he could see right through my soul. My empathy always overpowered any anger that conjured. But, I wasn't angry, I was just confused though I knew what I wanted. "I'm still at the same place, Jesse," I stand up, taking his hands in mine to pull him up. "I can't speak for the future but, right now?" I declare, letting go of his hands to cup his face in my palms. "I'm perfectly content with you." I give him a smile, caressing his cheek with my thumb.

"How are you okay with this?" He whispers, brows furrowed, his hands wrapping around my wrists to keep them in place. "How can you still continue with this, knowing damn well I can't give you something more precious in this life? Why would you do that to yourself?"

I was taken aback, not expecting the questions he was throwing at me. Most of which I couldn't answer myself.

"You're going to fall in love one day," He says quietly, features softening. "Even if it's not with me."

My eyes widen in horror and before he could say anything else, I wrap my arms around his back, holding him tightly in my arms.