Most of us are hurting
Most of us are searching
Someone to love
Someone to understand
Most the time I'm fighting
Multiple voices residing
In my head
Then there's you
You bring silence to my violent truth
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Icess-(ice-is)
"i promise you, i'm never having kids"
7 months later...
•
May 20, 2019
I sat quietly, listening to the constant beeping in the NICU. I placed my hand inside my daughters cubicle, rubbing her little hand. I could barely see her face due to all the monitors she was hooked up to, she had a oxygen mask hooked up to her face, heart monitors hooked to her chest and ivs in each arm.
She was born 2 months early and only weighted 2 pound and 6 oz., i smiled watching her kick her little legs. For her to be so tiny, she was very active and every time i saw her move or try to grab my finger, i had hope that we would be out of this NICU soon.
The nurse walked in to our little area, and checked her vital signs, "she's looking really good mom, she gained a pound last month which is very good, if she keeps gaining weight at this rate she could be able to go home in 3 months tops." she explained to me, writing on her clipboard. I listened intently, watching Heaven.
"can i hold her?" she nodded her head, lifting up the top of her cubicle. She put the clipboard down, and carefully took her out, watching each cord. She laid her on my chest and wrapped this pink crocheted blanket around us.
I rubbed my finger tips up against her back, watching her breathe up and down. I kissed her forehead, basing in the moment i got to have with her alone. I never imagined myself as a mother at the age of 21.
I'm currently enrolled in Rutgers, Newark, trying to get my bachelors degree in childhood education. i've always had big goals for myself, but once i met Malcolm, everything changed. We had been dating for a year and i was hooked on him. I was so blinded by what i thought was love that i let him manipulate me into thinking that my family was too controlling, leading me to distance myself from everyone.
He even led me to believe that if i had his baby, he would marry me, but the jokes was on me... because once i found out i was pregnant he packed his shit and blocked me on all of his social media accounts and blocked my number.
He comes from a wealthy family, who could easily help me with our daughter's hospital expenses but they haven't reached out to me. If i was a bitter person, i would've took his ass to court and took him for everything he had, but i'm not that type of person. I'm not spiteful or out for vengeance because i know that God has me.
I've managed to work as a waitress at a local diner and a sales associate at Marshalls, while making time for my daughter and school. And even with the amount of stress on me, i manage to stay humble, every moment i get with my daughter is enough for me to go through this all over again.
