Most of us are hurting
Most of us are searching
Someone to love
Someone to understand
Most the time I'm fighting
Multiple voices residing
In my head
Then there's you
You bring silence to my violent truth
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"How you feeling?" Raven asked me, as I sat quietly in my room with Heaven and Raegan in my arms, asleep. I shrugged, looking down at my babies.
"I'm okay." I tried to smile and make it seem like I was okay but, she saw right through me. She sat beside me and smiled sadly.
"You know it's okay to hurt. I know you were really falling for this guy, the pain is written all over your face. Please just talk to me." I closed my eyes, rocking back and forth as I listened to her.
"I just... i just wanna be alone." Trying not to wake Raegan or Heaven up, I carefully climbed out of my bed, walking towards my bathroom and closing the door behind me.
"When you get out, we'll be here if you want to talk." I nodded to myself, sliding down the door. Once I heard the door close, I finally broke down. I placed my hand over to my mouth as I cried my heart out.
Was it my fault? What could I have done wrong this time? Is all I was thinking about as i placed my face in between my legs, rocking myself. What was I suppose to do now? Pack his shit and kick him out of my house.
As much as I wanted to just throw his shit out of my house I had to think about Raegan and how she would feel if she'd never see me again. It took me an hour to get her to calm down and even then she clung to me like her life depended on it. And then what about Heaven? In the months that I've been with Keraun, him and my daughter have grown a strong bond, just like me and Raegan. I literally had too much to lose.
"Why couldn't he just be faithful and loyal to me? What am I doing wrong. I just wanna know." I whispered to myself, as I wiped my tears with my arm.
It's like I take 3 steps forward to only be pushed 10 steps back and I'm tired
After a while of letting my thoughts run wild, I got up and started my shower water. I looked at myself in the mirror and I was just disgusted. My eyes could barely open because they were so puffy from crying, my skin was dull and my hair was a mess. I brushed my hands through my hair, sighing as I bent down on the counter.
"You're Okay... you'll be fine." I said to myself, putting a fake smile on my face. I did what my mother taught me to do. Hold everything in and look pretty.
I got in the shower and washed myself up, brushed my teeth, put my hair in a bun, used my makeup to try and make myself look presentable and threw on a sundress.
I kissed Raegan and Heaven's forehead before leaving out the room, and walked into the living room like everything was okay while everyone looked at me like I was crazy.
