saints and soldiers » klance

21: Bulletproof Heart

So get me out of my head
Cuz it's gettin' kinda cramped you know

Keith sat on the floor of his room with his hands fisted in his hair and tugging at the strands, knees pulled up to his chest. The door was locked, the lights were off, and even though the windows were thrown wide open it was too quiet.

What the fuck had he just done?

Breakfast had been... insane. He had given in to his selfish desires, and now it was too late to take it back. They had all been so excited, even though he didn't say another word the whole meal. They kept asking him questions, not seeming even a little bothered that he never answered, even as Keith had felt the pressure of panic in his chest. It had taken a few minutes for what he'd done to fully sink in, but when it did... regret was almost instantaneous.

He'd made Lance so happy. That was what hurt him the most. Lance's blue eyes had lit up, and his voice had been so thrilled you could hear the smile in it without even looking at his face. He'd been so happy, and Keith... Keith just regretted it.

He couldn't talk anymore. Not again. Despite how much need he'd felt in those few minutes for the bond, the type of family they'd built themselves, he knew that it could never end well. He wasn't good at having relationships of any kind, that much he'd learned over the years. And if there had ever been any people he didn't want to hurt, it would be those four, no matter how illogical it seemed.

Slowly, Keith released a breath and dropped his hands from his hair. There was no way to fix this. They'd heard him talk, so they'd all assume he was just... ready now. Ready to talk to them and rebuild his life and fix himself.

He looked out the window. It was hard to see stars through all the light pollution of the city, but the full moon was on clear display through his window. He let his eyes trace over every mark in its surface, every mark sustained by the careless blow of something else, some other force, that of course the moon couldn't stop.

Keith tore his eyes away and buried his face in his hands. He could leave tonight- leave Lance's jacket folded on the dresser, flip the lock, leave the room, and just walk away. He could go.

But something held him in place, even as his eyes wandered to the locked door. Maybe it was that he didn't want to go, didn't want to never see these people again even if he knew he shouldn't let himself grow any closer to them. Maybe it was that he didn't think they deserved it- he knew that all of them had invested time and energy in him and that he had already given next to nothing back, and leaving might just be seen as a slap in the face. He didn't really know.

He didn't sit by his window. It looked cold and lonely in the light of the moon, in a way it never had before. He stayed away.

Curling into the floor, Keith shut his eyes and tried, for the first time in days, to sleep.

***
He woke up to the sound of someone knocking loudly at the door.

Keith sat up, rubbing at his eyes and marveling that he had slept at all. He glanced at the door. Locked still.

Standing and stretching stiff muscles, he made his way cautiously to the door. Maybe it was Allura, here to demand he talk to her, or kick him out. Maybe it was Coran, who Keith hadn't seen in a while either. Or...

Keith opened the door and found him staring into Lance's blue eyes.

He moved aside silently to let Lance in, even though a voice in his head was saying it would be best if he didn't. Lance walked through and pulled himself up to sit on the dresser as Keith silently shut the door behind him and resumed his place on the floor.

"No more windowsill, huh?" Lance asked, and Keith could feel the other boy's eyes on him as Lance awaited an answer. When none came, Lance sighed.

"Look," he said. "In the last few years, since I started volunteering in the dining room here, I've met a lot of people with a lot of issues. I've talked through things that I couldn't personally relate to so many times that I could now be considered an expert in the field of trauma like... well, like what you've been through. I've met so many people, Keith, and I think that maybe by now I've got some idea of what's going on in your head. I can't be sure, but..." he shrugged. "This morning, I think you really wanted to talk to us. I think you wanted to be close to us, because you saw us being close to each other. And I get that, Keith. I do. But what I also think is..." he hesitates.

"I think you're scared. And maybe you're scared of being hurt, because you have been before, or maybe you're scared of hurting us, because you've experienced that before too. But whatever it is... Keith, you don't need to be scared. Hurt is a part of life, but more than that... like I told you before, you're not broken, and you won't break us. We all care about you, Keith, even if it is a little crazy. You don't need to be scared. We can help you, you know? So you won't have to be scared anymore."

Keith pulls Lance's jacket tighter around his torso as the latter finishes talking and stands up to leave. He pauses at the door.

"If I'm even a little bit right..." Lance says, trailing off. "Well, I hope you can take my advice." He looks up and gives Keith the sweetest smile- a look that starts to melt away the dread that's been hovering in Keith's stomach all day. "We can take whatever you can, buddy," he says quietly, and leaves the room.