Her name is Hail (On Going)

Hail 1

HazeLazy Note:

pwede ka ng magpatuloy.

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Janice's POV

I always feel my heart palpitating in the middle of the night. I always end up crying and smitten myself using a blade. I'm such a nuisance.
The sound of my cry is just like a forgotten lullaby. My voice is broke and so am I Napakaraming hinanakit sa puso ko, napakaraming galit ang namumuo sa buong pagkatao ko hindi ko alam kung paano ko pa lalabanan lahat ng sakit at pait. Siguro ako na ata ang pinakamalas na nabuhay sa mundong ito siguro habang nag papaulan ng kamasalasan nasalo ko na lahat. What the fuck is with this life. Sana namatay na lang ako , sana nakunan na lang ang nanay ko habang pinagbubuntis niya ako. No one can understand my situation, my current situation right now will defines my future I guess. Nakakatawang isiping pinangungunahan ko na yung Will Niya. Tulog siya nung mga panahong kailangan ko siya, wala siya sa tabi ko nung kailangan ko siya and now He's giving me so much pain and hatred.

*cut *cut FUCK *cut *cut

Ilang blade na ba ang dumaan sa wrist ko, ilang blade na ba ang dumaan sa balat ko, at ilang beses ko na bang pinagtangkaang magpakamatay. 2? 3? ewan, basta ang alam ko kahit masakit ang pagbaon ng blade sa braso ko kahit papaano nakakalimutan ko yung bigat na nararamdaman ko.

I had so much hatred and guilt, I live in it and those whisper in my mind, "why am I here?", "how did I get in here?" and lastly "how will I get out?" those are the questions of the voice in my mind it seems like a music that keep on playing. Those are my broken lines. I didn't notice myself because I'm drowning, I didn't know anymore about myself because they called me great pretender, I didn't smile the same anymore as I smile when the photographer say "1,2,3 smile". I realized I just forgot who I really was, when I'm trying to hide the sadness and loneliness from everyone, I just forgot who I was. I pick up all the pieces of my broken heart and trying to recognize how broken it was and how hard to fix it up. I tried to recognize what I wrote in the sand while the waves was erasing what I have written. The word "happiness" seems like neglecting me.

May mga bagay na mahirap ipaliwanag, mga bagay na gusto mong sabihin pero hindi ka makahanap ng tamang salita para ipahiwatig ito.
Mga bagay na mahirap hanapan ng sagot kasi parang ikaw lang ang nakakaramadam ng lahat ng sakit at pait.

Bakit ba lagi na lang akong hinahabol ng nakaraan? Bakit ba hindi mawala sa isip ko ang bagay na yun kung tapos naman na? At dahil sa kakaiyak ko bumigat na ang talukap ng mata ko...

"Janice, ano nanaman bang ginawa mo sa sarili mong bata ka huh? Bat puno nanaman ng mantsa ng dugo yung kumot mo?"

And here she goes again my oh beloved mother. Sorry ma, di ko talaga kayang mag open sayo ng mga problemang pinagdadaanan ko.

"Aalis na ako."

"Janice kinakausap kita, bakit may mga mantsa nanaman ng dugo yung kumot mo at aba may blade nanaman akong nakita sa study table mo. Ano bang nangyayari sayong bata ka?"

"Papasok na ako ma, let's just talk later. Malalate nanaman ako."