Diary of a clumsy but sensitive person

What's wrong

Hi. My name will stay mine and I'm an 18 years old student. I choose to start this "blog" or whatever this is going to be, with a letter. I wrote this letter after a very interesting conversation with a person I respect and really like, he's one of my teacher and he's an HSP like me. It might be weird but thanks to this letter my college decided that it was better for me to see someone... 

My opinion will probably be in another chapter...

"It's beginning to be a bit late. I can't stop my mind from thinking... This conversation got me into a lot of reflexion during the day and now I simply can't sleep. Luckily our afternoon lessons were cancelled because of exams... I would never be able to mentally attend a class after this. It really got me in such a deep inner reflexions...

I won't pretend that I found everything. I will never know everything, not even about my own self. It's been a bit more than a year and a half that I know the main thing defining me. Highly Sensitive Person. But you were right, it can't be the cause of me being so physically and mentally messed up. And after a bit of reflexion and a lot of thinking about links and everything that can be related to it, I think that IT is several things.

The first one has to be the fear of loneliness. This is probably the main reason of my current state of mind. Human relationship and attachment are two VERY important things to me. But I can't socialise with people who don't even try to understand the way I work and process things. I can't possibly socialise with people who want to force me to get into their state of mind. I have my own voice, my own opinion and if I don't or can't say anything, I still have my own mind set.

The second one is possibly the fear of physical pain. Because of my sensitivity, pain is something I experience every day, not the heartbroken pain; the physical one is worse. I guess I've never seen myself older than 25 year-old. For a very simple reason; to me, my body is going to let me know that it have had enough. Fairly soon. I am not afraid of death. I am not afraid to die, this has been integrated inside my childhood reflexion that if we have to come into this world on our birth day, it also means that we have to go from it at some point. I am afraid of suffering. Suffering is different, it is the condition, the last condition you would ever experience before the end of your own life, how could not be afraid of suffering when you die?

The third, part of my day to day life as well, is food and actually being able to feed myself properly. I don't think I've ever been able to do that. My relationship with food is really weird. Because of this permanent consciousness that I have of my own body –and because I am receptive to its signals- I consider food as a source of life. But when things are not OK, when my mind is completely out of control, lost in so many thoughts that I can't even control their flow, I eat. Not the good kind of eating. You know that specific one they are all telling us to be careful about, well, I am not. Sugar, Fat, junk food in general, anything unhealthy that comes first is eaten entirely. That's what happens when I'm not OK. In nearly two years of loneliness, and therefore messed up mind, I jumped from 64kg to 71kg. You'll say 'it's not that much she can still do something about it'. When your body is letting you feel every heartbeat, 7kg of difference in such a short amount of time is very complicated to absorb and control. The pain is terrible. The joints, muscles, blood pressure, I can feel everything. I don't have choice, I can't control that.

The fourth and possibly last one for now is sleep. I am a very late sleeper. Once again the reason is simple. Once I get some "me-time", on my own, silence, maybe with a bit of music sometimes, I think. I process and go through every single details that I can possibly remember about my day. Was it good? Will it have a consequence? Do I think I can make it better? What would have happened if I had done it like that? How much of an impact will this have on everything? Will it affect me? Will I regret it? Was it the good decision? Those are very classical questions that are running through my mind every day. It varies depending on the situation, what I am thinking about. I can't possibly fall asleep if I don't have my daily thoughts sorted.

This is what I think is or can be a problem with me. For the moment, I don't think I can deal with my own life mostly because I am lonely. Properly on my own. I have to deal with things happening and entering into my life without my consent. Here, I am alone. I still have friends, family and people around me. But I need this presence, this physical contact and this interaction that you can't possibly have with the internet. Body language, you can't get with a phone call or even with a video call. This is my way to understand people, this is why I need people in front of me to know what they are actually thinking, being able to get their point and understand them, and their point.

In the class, nobody has ever tried to understand my point. Sometimes I can get it through, but there is nothing good at making your point if the people in front of you are not understanding it. I think that as a teacher and as a person, you should know.

This is probably the reason why I've been feeling reliable to you for this whole time. I am really sorry that it has to be you but sometimes –most of the time- you really get me and where I'm coming from. And I have to say that sometimes it is very disturbing for me and I normally think a lot about every conversation or every kind of interaction that we are having. But it feels really nice to have someone to be able to understand how you and your brain and mind works.

I realise this is all weird and I know probably shouldn't even write that ... whatever it is but as I wrote earlier I can't get any rest without getting my thoughts sorted. I truly think that I have got a bit sorted there. "

Here are my thoughts of the 16th or 17th of January 2018.