Diary of a clumsy but sensitive person

Quiting college.

21/03/2018

To the one reading me right now, I never wanted to disappoint you. But whoever you are and whatever much you represent to me, what I'm about to write is most likely going to disappoint you any way.

I have made a decision and you're not gonna like it but I will explain. I am quitting college, leaving my course. This thing led me to deep depression and I'm tired to pretend its ok. Spring has brought my mind some fresh air and a confirmation that I don't belong here.

I can't fight with depression, I can't keep on without motivation. So I chose to get out of depression and fight for what I believe in. At the moment, nothing really matters to me except going away. I want to go. Get away from here, find myself again and start to enjoy life as I should. School, food and parties are not my thing but I still appreciate someone I love and respect to support me.

Right now, I am scared to lose everyone's support. It is the only reason I am scared. My mum hasn't replied my messages for days. My friends are supporting me but most of them would prefer to see me completing this course.

After all it's only two months left... It's not to me. To me it is 60 days of constant depression without ANYTHING to keep my head above the water. To me it's like driving with increasing speed into a wall and making it your purpose. I don't have the skills needed to get this diploma. I already have an English Level 3. I would finish this one for fun but there's nothing fun for me there.

What's the point of getting a diploma you will never need? I am not planning on coming back in France except for family. French diploma would be useless. I have a Level 3 in England. It is related to what I want to do so what is the point of going through depression again while my goal is to get out of it.

One of my friend told me I was very brave when I told her I wanted to quit. She told me that because of the state it got me in, it was a good decision to get out of it. Another friend of mine told me to believe in what I thought was impossible and do it. My mother truly wants me to finish this. My aunt and uncles as well. I didn't even dare to talk about it to my father since nobody he knows is supporting this decision.

We are all taught that we should make big decisions on your own once you become an adult. But we are also taught to ask the people in your close environment to give their advice if needed.

I want to finally listen to myself. And I want to leave.