Diary of a clumsy but sensitive person

Today's feelings... Some of them...

Here we are. 27th of February. I have no idea how to start this whole thing but I thought that starting with this letter would explain a bit about what's going on... Kinda... Let's say that it gives a basis...

My opinion on the reaction my college had is that they didn't get anything of what I said it the good way it was meant.

After I wrote this letter I was told to seek professional help for my 'in danger soul' – their words... So I did since I didn't really had much of a choice... The psychiatrist I now have has confirmed that nothing were wrong with me. To be honest, I hide most of the worst to her so she can't really know anything right? I kept in touch with one of my former counsellor because all of this is not really new to me... She understands me and help me go through very interesting ideas about myself. She's really good at her job and I do not believe that we were supposed to keep in touch but I'm in a different place now so... And that's why I'm depressed. I live in a place that I don't feel like mine and I am doing a course that I don't like either.

This course used to be my first choice to be able to get to a vet school but my biggest dreams was to go and live one somewhere I'd feel good in... To me, that was in another country. England. Who wants to live in England right? It's rainy and cloudy all year around and people are known to be fairly cold with foreigners... Why ? Just because I feel that I belong there a lot more than my own country. Because I felt good over there. I chose that course because it was the only one in France –my birth country- to give me the opportunity to live one year in England. My dream came true and I've accomplished so much already... But I had to come back... And I felt even worse than the beginning of the first year...

See all of my dreams were reached and I don't have anything to reach anymore... I don't really want to have this diploma even if I know that it would be very helpful for my future and all that ... I just don't wanna deal with all this...

It's not the first time I'm going through tough shit like this... But the thing is that I'm only 18, I have to sustain myself financially and emotionally on my own cause my school is about 6 hours away from my house... So I'm far away from everyone I know and everyone I love.

My love... The only thing that is keeping me up at the moment is the one I love. He is absolutely awesome and lovely, very neutral emotionally speaking so it helps me a lot 'cause I am very emotional and sensitive to a lot of things he's not. He's my basis for emotions. But not only that... He is such an amazing support for everything... he's way too much of a perfect person... I really don't deserve so much from someone...

I am depressed, I don't have anything to keep me going doing the things I don't want to do so sometimes I just don't do it at all. I feel empty and I can't find anything to make me as happy as I were before all of this... I don't really wanna do anything at all... Staying in bed next to the man I love is the only thing. But it doesn't feel good to depend on somebody to be happy. No matter how much you love that person, it is not you... It's ok to need help but it's not ok the put your whole life happiness on somebody... I don't even know if you know what I mean... It's a weird feeling but not the good kind of weird like I use to have when I fell in love for example. It's more of a weird emptiness you can't explain, don't want to do anything not even get up to go to the loo or have a shower or eat... Don't feel like anything is going to get you out of this... That's my day to day life. The only thing I feel excited about doesn't get me to go to lessons, it doesn't help me get myself sorted and I can't help this emptiness to go away...