Diary of a clumsy but sensitive person

Endings and feelings

Mixed feelings today ... I kinda want to finish on good things so I might have to start with difficult things...

The only difficult thing at the moment actually... the end of a relationship. Endings... I'm so bad at those. Many people are but I have been through these quiet a lot and I don't think anybody wants to go through them again. Endings are never good. But I guess it's kind of ok. I've always been afraid to get attached to people because of those. But I still get attached to people who I feel a deep connection with. This relationship was special. It is not a boyfriend or a girlfriend, nothing like that, we're actually doing quite good on that side. But this one was very special, for a sensitive person to meet someone with such a similar soul and such a beautiful and valuable heart and mind is so rare that I couldn't do anything else but get too attached again... but here's my problem, when I get attached to somebody at such a deep and intense level, I become somebody else, a very needy person who cannot control the flow of texts and messages because I give so much interest and attention to this person that I never can stop thinking about it, how good it feels to be understood and being able to connect with somebody to such an incredible level of similarities it is just so appeasing that you can't really control your thoughts flow anymore.

Partly because of this, this one is gone. It is making me sad and very uncomfortable that for some reason I can only feel a connection to people that can't keep in touch mainly because of the initial relationship. Because of her job, we couldn't keep on with all this no matter how deep our connection is. I understand it but it just pisses me off so much so much that I am not able to make actual friends around me without it being creepy, unconventional or weird. It is just pissing me off that because of the person I am becoming when a connection has been made I keep on loosing so many people I feel good with.

I feel like I need to take a deep breath every minute that goes by because of how much I want to text, call or message those people I love and care about. The bloody truth is that I'm too fucking scared to loose people and because of that I just keep things to myself too be able to limit connections possibilities because it hurts too bad when it ends. Being in a relationship is something incredibly confusing for me. I don't really get why people keep on saying things they don't mean. Because of how I work and because of my sensibility, I do understand and pretty much feel whatever you feel in front of me. But nobody is true to themselves around others. I just don't get that. That's my only problem, I get everything but nobody gets that I do. So I keep on giving attention to people that I feel connected to, to try and be there for them as much as they've been here for me or if they haven't yet just make sure that they know they're not alone in whatever they're going through. But turns out I'm here too much... I can't control it people... It is bloody hard to stop thinking about things when they used to be the only things you had to hold on to.

I am currently in beautiful and loving relationship with an amazing boyfriend who doesn't even realise how much of an awesome person he is. We live about a 1 500 km away from each other and I always feel the need to talk to him, make sure he's ok, make sure he's not having a hard time or anything that I wouldn't regret not being there for... When I'm around him, I am a very needy person, asking for attention all the time but I'm not able to control this. It is beyond my will, it just can't be control or even understood by my fucked up mind. I love him. I really do. But because of that I almost lost him three times now... because of this, I have to keep on thinking and caring about being texting too much, leaving him the space and time he needs to do things and try to keep it down. Damn it's hard ... but for him ? I'd do anything. I'll wait for him, I'll always be here for him, I'll always be available for him to call, text, message me or coming up and seeing me. He will never bother me. Literally. He could talk to me about anything when I'm having a shit I wouldn't mind. He is the best thing that ever happened to me, he helps me so much by not even doing anything, he is just an amazing person.

I also have exciting things happening in my life right now, I have felt quite good lately, the weather is being a good part of it I guess. But also the fact that I am in holidays still. Spending some time in the place I want to be is a real blessing when I get to see things and people that are still there and are absolutely lovely and caring for me and the actual person I am. That feels good and keep you in that mood for a while. The fact that I got back home for a little as well is really helpful but not as much I guess. I guess I really need to be where I want to be, doing something I actually like. As soon as I will be back in my lonely apartment with nobody around, I will still have to get out and take some driving lessons, meet other people and get this driving license by the time I will be done with my course I don't like. That is very exciting because it actually means that in a couple of months I'll be able to drive myself around and finally feel that freedom of leaving and coming back whenever I want to go wherever I feel like.

So here I am, confused again but things are going forward, my mind is trying to find its way out of depression but it is not as easy and as quick as I hoped it was. I truly hope that things will go well and that my mind will get some rest and peace very soon...