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Taking Dense to a Whole New Level Pt. 1

I am the narrator for all of these dumb stories and none of them are related to each other. I didn't realize how long this would be until I started writing it, so it's been separated into 6 parts. Things that are bold and in parentheses are not part of the story. Please read the non-dialogue in that stereotypical narrator voice with a straight face. That is all.

Murder Scene:

A person who most people dislike, coincidentally named Johnny, was taking a calming stroll in the dead of night. He was walking along his street without a destination in mind, as always. He took a left, turning onto a road that connects the other ones. (# like that, known as number sign, pound, octothorp, and hashtag)

In between each street was a dirt alleyway that gave access to the back doors of every house. Suddenly, a scream that shattered the silence into millions upon millions of pieces sounded out, startling Johnny as the sound was approximately 150 decibels; not really as that would probably cause hearing damage. Being both ignorant and curious, he decided to find out where the silence-shattering sound came from.

He walked into the next alley over and saw what caused the noise; a life-like mannequin (I can't believe I actually spelled mannequin right on the first try) with a speaker in it. At least, that's what he thought it was.

Said mannequin was impaled (but I didn't spell impale right...impaile...) with a butcher's knife. It had "red ooze" dripping out of it, according to Johnny. Wrapped around the butcher's knife was said butcher, Johnathon's gloved hand extending out to Johnathon himself. 

"Hi, dad!" Johnny approached Johnathon who was more liked than Johnny, "What are you doing?"

 "Ah, nothing really," Johnathon replied all too quickly, which would make him seem suspicious to literally anyone else. "Say, why don't you give a hand? I could use it."

Johnny gasped in horror at the question, "How dare you ask for my hand, you filthy peasant?!? I would like to keep both of my hands and don't plan on donating them to anyone."

"How is he my son? Where did I go wrong?" Johnathon silently questioned his life decisions. He said in a louder voice, "Would you help me without giving up your precious hand?" He sighs inwardly, "Ahem. Pretty please?"

"Well, when you ask that way...Yeah, I can." 

As I am sure most of us can tell, Johnny is a complete and total idiot. He does not realize he is getting involved in first-degree murder. Of course, he was destined to forever be an idiot. 

"So," asked Johnny, "how did you manage to make such a life-like mannequin?" 

Johnathon did not realize Johnny thought the victim was not a person and just decided to go along with it. "Oh, I uh...made it myself. Cool isn't it?"

Just imagine for a second or so that Johnny is an anime character and has sparkles in his eyes. Something like this:✨. "Wow! Really? SUGOI DESU NE!" The weeb. He is far worse than the densest anime protagonist you can find. This is a challenge. Find one. 

Johnny asked, "What do you need my help with?"

Jonathon needed to come up with an excuse, quickly, and he did. "Well, you see," He began, "This mannequin is defective and I need to get it over there." He pointed to a stereotypical, back-alley type, green and black dumpster. 

Johnny rushed over to help Jonathon. "OKAY!" He grabbed hold of the mannequin's arms while Jonathon grabbed the legs. The butcher's knife was still in the mannequin. Johnny wasn't wearing any gloves when he grabbed the body *ahem* I mean, mannequin, so his fingerprints were now all over it.