Lost memories.

Millie.

What Is a Coma?

A coma is a prolonged state of unconsciousness. During a coma, a person is unresponsive to his or her environment. The person is alive and looks like he or she is sleeping. However, unlike in a deep sleep, the person cannot be awakened by any stimulation, including pain.

What Causes a Coma?

Comas are caused by an injury to the brain. Brain injury can be due to increased pressure, bleeding, loss of oxygen, or buildup of toxins. The injury can be temporary and reversible. It also can be permanent.

More than 50% of comas are related to head trauma or disturbances in the brain's circulatory system. Problems that can lead to coma include:

Trauma: Head injuries can cause the brain to swell and/or bleed. When the brain swells as a result of trauma, the fluid pushes up against the skull. The swelling may eventually cause the brain to push down on the brain stem, which can damage the RAS (Reticular Activating System) -- a part of the brain that's responsible for arousal and awareness.

I promise you. Unless you have been through one, there is not much understanding of what it is like to be in a coma. But what I will do here is try to give you a glimpse. For me it started after some real life trauma. I remember being in the A&E at the NHS Hospital. My left arm had gone limp, and my left leg was starting to do the same. They were trying to get my clothes off,but I was in no position to help them. After that, real life went blank.

I had a series of dreams. All of which, I tell you, were as real as you could imagine. To this day, they do not seem like dreams. They seem like reality, though I realize they are not. One thing I believe about comas, is you DO pick up whats going on around you. Nurses and family talking, people visiting you , as well as doctors examining you. I think most of my dreams are based on these things. Understand, I am not quite sure what these dreams meant. So as I describe them, try not to read too much into them. Also, I am not sure all of them are dreams. I believe a few might be out of body, supernatural experiences. But no matter how they are classified, they are VERY real to me.

Dream #1 - The Explosion

This is the only really totally scary dream that I had while I was in a coma.

This dream starts out with me in a doctor's office. Apparently we are in an office tower, that has an underground parking garage underneath. I am on an examination table. A nurse is in the room with me, and she has on blue examination gloves. All of a sudden, an explosion takes place. The tower collapses. And the next thing you know, I am still on the examination table, but I have fallen into the parking garage. I am covered in blue color, much like the color of the examination gloves. I am surrounded by concrete, and there are live electrical wires all around me. All of a sudden, the nurse that was in the room with me, starts walking around me, trying to continue the examination. But in the dream, I am trying to tell her to not move, because she will get electrocuted. I realize that she is in shock.During this, I hear my mom and dad yelling. They too are in the parking garage, they are ok. But they are telling me 'not to move'. I follow their request and stay on the table. Somewhere during this, the subject of what has happened comes up. It is realized that some terrorists have planted a bomb in the hospital here. For some reason, if I move, I am told that the police may shoot me. So again I stay still. But the next point is horrible. The police share that my Dad is a suspect, and that unknown to everyone, he has been committing terrorist acts for some time. This breaks my heart, and I start moaning and crying. This pretty much concludes the dream at this point.

The next time I dream, I am back in the hospital room;I am having a very hard time breathing. So it is necessary for me to have breathing treatments. I can see out of my room, and I hear lots of conversation between the hospital staff and my family. Seems that this medicine I need for respiratory treatments is in short supply, and there is a good demand for it. So my dad, seeing a lucrative possibility to get me the medicine easier, goes into business with my doctor. They are partners in securing this respiratory medicine. When it is time for me to have the medicine, i am outside on the ambulance heli-pad, which is currently under-going renovations.They put an oxygen mask over me, and the therapist begins the treatments. But for some reason, they bring over a fork lift truck. I am put onto the forks, and raised very high in the air as I receive these treatments. At the end, I am up high, looking down on other people, and feeling very alone...

The last time I dream I am back in the hospital bed. This time, I am surrounded by family. I am having a very hard time breathing. But there is a glass partition in the room. I and my family are on the inside of the glass. On the outside of the glass is two people. One is a boy, about 18/19, with dark hair and grey eyes,holding a ventilate bag. Next to him, is a little girl, probably 7-8 years old, with blong pigtails and round brown eyes.She is totally dressed in white. I keep uttering the phrase 'ventilate me'. Over and over I repeat this phrase. But the appearance of the little girl calms me. I don't remember too much more, but just that the girl calmed me. And I am finally able to breathe.

Gradually, I start to feel myself coming back to life. The feeling is like relaxing tense muscles. It starts from my toes, slowing building its way up my legs and thighs. Soon I start to feel my finger tips tingle and getting the feeling back in my arms. I can tell you there is no better feeling than when I realise I can open my eyes. My face almost cracks in two; I'm smiling like a chashire cat.

I'm momentarily blinded by the intensity of the light and I find myself having to blink several time to adjust to the brightness. There is this strong smell that I can't quite put a name to. Maybe its just the general smell of the hospital. Gosh! I hope its not me. So far all I can hear is th beeping of the heart monitor and some distant muttering. Slowly I turn my head to the left. My gaze lands on a figure standing by the window, looking out through the blue hospital curtains. Their back is facing me so all i can see if their wavy black hair and broad shoulders, covered by a grey short sleeved t-shirt. The person is quite tall from what i can see. Scaning the rest of the room, its similar to the one ive been seeing in my dreams. To my far right, theres the glass window, where i saw the little girl. Looking through it, i can see a small head with blond pig tails and two males and a woman,whose features i cant quite place just yet. Bracing myself on my elbows, i try to sit up. The movement makes the sheets underneath me crunch. The man on the left turns his neck so fast, im suprised it doesnt snap. His grey orbs stare at me as if im an alien object of some sort. Im about to tell him that staring is rude, when he suddenly lunges for me. For a moment im frozen as he kisses me all over my face, hands roaming me to see if im real and him muttering so fast i only catch glimps of his words.

"Millie you're alive...oh my god...i thought I'd lost you forever", finally he pulls away and I can breath again. Once more, I try to sit up but this time he helps me.

"Thank you", my voice comes out as rough as sand paper.

"Here, drink this", he hands me a bottle of water, that I eagerly accept and gulp down instantly. The relief I feel when the water runs down my throat is absolutely sensational. Its like that feeling you get when you have a cold shower on a hot sumers day. Refreshing.

"Wow, i guess being out for two months sure does dehydrate you,huh?" He chuckles and its such a lovely sound that I could listen to on repeat. His voice is deep and vibrant.

"Two months." Its not so much as a question but a statement. Two months is a long time to be in a coma for but then again, I should be happy that I wasn't out for like six months or something.

"Feels longer doesn't it?" He smiles and takes hold of my hand. "How do you feel?" He looks right at me, but I can't hold his gaze, so I look at our hands instead. His are bigger and slightly rough, whereas mine are small with long spidery fingers. The thing that strikes me though, is how familiar the warmth of his touch is and how easily my hand fits in his. Yet to me he is just a stranger.

"I feel confused," I confess.

"Well that's understable."

"No," I pull my hand free," I don't mean to be rude or anything but do i know you?" Stupid question, I know, but its all that I can muster at this stage.

"Of course you do, its me James." He furrows his eyebrows looking a little uncertain, " you know, your boyfriend, James Talon."

Say what? How can i forget that this guy is my boyfriend? I rummage through my brain but Ican't remember a thing. Its completely blank.

"I don't remember you," I breath ," in fact I don't remember anything".