The Hardest Puzzle || Death Note

20-If I Lose Myself

Chapter Twenty * If I Lose Myself -
"I'm afraid that can't happen quite yet," Near said to you apathetically.
You were in the room Near always was in (no surprise). Hal and yourself were there to inform him about your inhuman desire to go to school.
After telling Hal she'd immediately and abruptly stood and came to the room, and had you not been the quiet and terrified person you usually were you might have peppered her with the questions zooming through your mind.
So, here you were now.
And here was Near telling you that you couldn't attend school yet.
You sighed, feeling more depressed than you had all day.
"Okay," you mumbled softly. You paused. "But...could I at least know why?"
"Due to what you've experienced with your parents you may have developed a panic disorder, so we'd have to test for that beforehand. This way we could treat you properly, if necessary," Near began.
You nodded slowly.
"And," he continued apathetically, giving an incredibly rare and wry smile, "it also happens to be close to winter break. School won't start up again until January, and it's not even Christmas yet."
"Oh."
You flushed a beet red color. Of course! Man, were you an idiot. It was only the thirteenth. School would get out in merely three or four days before the break; there was no point whatsoever in going back now.
You quickly moved onto other thoughts once you'd established your idiocy.
A panic disorder, you mused in your head. Like PTSD, right? You'd heard of it before, but only knew that it meant something about being traumatized after some sort of event.
Seeing your confusion, Near didn't hesitate to explain.
"Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is characterized by intense fear, helplessness, or horror caused by suffering through a traumatic event of some sort, and can be accompanied by depression as well. Experiences such as yours often lead to it...."
He then launched into a long and wordy explanation. You tuned out most of it, mostly trying to determine if you were like that.
Were you depressed?
That was an easy one. Up until now you'd basically lived a life of darkness and night. Only now did you know that the sun still existed, but even now you knew that it was a fragile sun indeed. So, yes, you were depressed, or at least you once were.
And now, what about the whole panic-y thing?
You were not a very courageous person, you didn't think, that was for sure. You had certainly panicked a bunch since the ordeal with your parents. Maybe some of that had been panic attacks? You had certainly had nightmares reliving things.
PTSD.... You wanted to shrug it off and say that there was no way you had PTSD, but look at what that had done earlier. Denying it had made it hurt more when you had discovered
So, you left having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as an open possibility.
Suddenly you noticed Near staring at you expectantly. He seemed to have finished his rant.
You nodded, pretending to have listened to every word he said. "Um, thanks," you mumbled lamely.
Hal glanced down at her watch and motioned to you, signaling that you had to leave now.
"It's almost nine thirty, ______. You'd better turn in; I'll follow soon enough," she said to you.
You nodded obediently and turned to leave.
In the hallway you spotted Matsuda. He saw you at the same moment that you saw him, and his eyes widened in surprise. He quickly caught himself, though, and gave a small wave and a teeny, sheepish smile.
You returned the favor, but with an even smaller smile and no wave whatsoever.
Matsuda grinned, probably not realizing that he was doing so physically and not just mentally.
You quickly passed him, and not long after that you could hear his loud, clumsy footsteps rushing into the room you'd just vacated.
"Hey, guys!" you could hear him say excitedly. "She smiled at me! She smiled!"
You flushed a deep red and continued on your journey.
.........
Once you reached your room you grabbed the bundle of clothes that was your pajamas and headed into the bathroom.
You stared at yourself in the mirror.
"Oh my god," you murmured, realizing for the first time how much you had changed.
You were no longer the small, unkempt, and pasty girl you had been when you first stepped foot in this compound two or three months ago. Your appearance seemed much nicer now, if not a bit plain (but you were completely fine with being plain). You had a calmer aura, and your eyes seemed more bright than dull as they'd been not too long ago.
You weren't stick thin anymore, either. You could tell that you were eating better now, just by looking at you. You even seemed a bit plump, but in a good way, and you noticed that even your chest now seemed slightly bigger; you flushed beet red at your observation.
After changing into some baggy pajamas (that you noticed weren't so baggy anymore), you admired how you seemed to have grown into them. It seemed as if you were more filled out now, and you no longer looked like a raggedy scarecrow in a rather thin haystack when wearing the clothes.
For once you were actually proud of your appearance.
You marveled at how only an hour-and-a-half in the snow could have done something so wondrous. But maybe everything had been slowly changing all along, and you'd just never quite noticed.
You smiled, and inwardly felt whole again as you saw how your eyes sparkled.
Of course, being happy changed the moment that you went to use the toilet and realized there was no toilet paper. And, after a brief search, you found none in the bathroom, so, ignoring your body, which was telling you to go and take a pee already, you set off to ask Hal where you might be able to find some.
As you approached the room where you knew she'd be it felt like you'd already done so about fifty times today.
You heard the gentle murmur of voices, and to your surprise, heard someone say your name, so of course you eavesdropped.
The last time you'd been mentioned in a whispered conversation your parents had been plotting to kill you, and it would be nice to have a heads up if someone wanted to do as such again... You shuddered at your newfound ability to casually think this.
You recognized Hal's voice from behind the closed door.
"My god," she said, "I'm so glad she'll be off to school soon!"
"Why?" asked what sounded like a curious Matsuda.
"I'm just tired of having to act like I'm her goddamn mother. It's very tiring having to act completely different than you usually do."
From behind the cracked door you could see Hal tossing her hair in an almost arrogant fashion, something very unlike the Hal that you knew...but judging from the conversation, was this truly the real Hal?
Silently your mouth opened in a small 'o' of surprise.
Great, you thought bitterly to yourself, another fake in my life. Another person who doesn't really love me.
Your eyes had been bright with excitement all evening, but they did the exact opposite now, and shone brightly with tears instead of excitement.
They never love me, you thought with a sinking heart. Why? What is it that's so wrong with me?
A single tear slipped down your face.
Suddenly you could hear a toilet flush, and the man with the half-afro-Aizawa, was it?-exited the men's restroom from down the hall. He immediately spotted you.
"______?" he asked loudly. "Why're you standing there? If you want to go in, just go in." He paused nearby you and peered at you more closely. "Are you okay?"
The door swung open, Near holding the handle firmly. He looked at you and your pain as if you were an experiment or something worth observing and not truly human.
Behind him was Hal, the real Hal, staring at you in surprise. She could tell from your expression that you had heard her.
Hal acting purposely different around you. Near's complete apathy towards you. Everyone falling silent around you; everyone ignoring you. Suddenly it was all clear to you.
No one wanted you here.
You turned around and ran blindly through the halls, going past the dining room and kitchen, past your bedroom, past the restroom, past all the rooms that you actually knew.
Eventually you slowed, but not before you were lost, with hardly any lights on, making everything looked the same. While the darkness made you vaguely uncomfortable you had no desire to go back, so you continued on.
You started walking slowly, suddenly aware of how large this place was.
Trying doors at random, you noticed they were all locked, so you kept going.
You gradually came upon an old, abandoned love seat beneath a large window that stared out at the dark, cold, and snowy night.
You swiped at the thin layer of dust on it, and invited yourself to sit on the poor, overstuffed, and old piece of furniture.
It creaked loudly as you sat down.
You allowed the tears to run freely down your face as you stared at the dark night. It was cold, and you shivered. It was also still snowing; all of this made you feel even more alone.
After a bit of silent crying your tears began to slow, and you knew that the emotion and pain and hurt had just about left your system, though the fact that no one loved you and that no one wanted you anymore refused to leave. The fact that you kept trying but everyone abandoned you; that you kept screaming and they kept ignoring it...those stayed too.
You kept staring outside, your eyes red and puffy.
"So nobody wants me here," you murmured softly to yourself in an oddly flat tone. Maybe you'd been slowly but surely learning it from Near.
"So why did Near invite me to come here?" you dared ask the silent and black sky.
"I had my reasons," an apathetic voice said from behind you.
You whirled around.