Say It If It's Worth Saving Me

9. Valentine's Day is The Saddest Day

 Valentine's Day was coming and everyone at school was buzzing. The hallways had a few cheesy decorations and there were several clubs that were having Valentine's fundraisers and selling things like roses and cards for like a dollar or so.

I was currently standing next to the art club fundraiser table with Ryon. She wanted to pick out a Valentine's day card for Calum and send it to him.

It was amazing what had happened between the two since Ryon kissed Calum on New Year's. Remember that super weird iced coffee simile that I had made? Yeah, that was them now. They were a force to be reckoned with and even though none of the girls at school cared about it, Ryon was loud and proud to finally have the boy she wanted.

"Do you think I should get him the soccer one or the music one?" She asked.

I gave her a bored glance and briefly read over both cards. Both were horribly cheesy puns that made me internally groan. I shook my head and shrugged, "The soccer one?"

She looked at them both again before shrugged, "I'll just get both."

"Yay," I replied flatly and looked towards the courtyard.

That was a big ass mistake.

Sitting in the courtyard was Michael and Calum and with them was Luke. And Aleisha. They were all laughing and smiling and Luke had his arm around Aleisha's shoulders. He turned towards her and they kissed briefly.

Something inside me broke. I don't know what's happening to me, I don't understand why one person was affecting me so much. Why did it even matter? Luke is just one boy out of millions of boys in the world, so why the hell was he able to hurt me so easily?

What the hell is wrong with me?

"What?" Ryon asked.

Snapping from my thoughts I turned to her, "Huh?"

"You just asked what the hell is wrong with you," she clarified. "You okay there?"

"Oh, yeah, I'm fine," I pulled a smile onto my face.

"Listen," Ryon began, pulling me away from the table.

Her fluffy hair was straightened and sleek now and it looked incredibly nice on her. I was impressed with her mascara and her eyebrows that she had started doing recently as well.

"I know that it sucks that Luke is with Aleisha but you have to remember that he's just one boy," Ryon began. "Besides, I guess if you still like him when they break up then you could always make your move then?"

"You are insane," I decided.

She laughed, "It's just a thought."

"Thanks."

***

After classes got out and I was home, I went to take a shower because I needed to take one. The water was hot on my skin and the burn was actually pleasant for once, which is weird.

The image of Luke kissing Aleisha violated my mind.

The sound of the front door slamming meant that dad was home and I tried to focus on where he was in the house as the steam swirled up around me. It wasn't the best thing to be taking a scalding shower in the middle of summer but it was numbing and I was allowing it.

I could hear him humming as he wandered through the house, these walls were pretty thin. I was unable to make out the song that he was humming until he came by the bathroom.

"Jai? You in here?" He asked.

"Yeah," I replied weakly.

"You okay?" He asked.

The tears stung my eyes and they fell down my face but I managed to make my voice come out just a little bit stronger than before, "I'm good, long day."

"Oh, alright, I was thinking we could have some baked chicken for dinner," he suggested.

"Sounds good," I forced a smile even though he couldn't see me.

He started singing as he walked away, "Take me away, a secret place, a sweet escape.."

Dinner was good and I had homework for just one class so I was in my room earlier than usual that night. Curled up on my bed I cried for what felt like hours but was probably just thirty minutes.

I wasn't even sure what I was crying about this time. Was it papa? Was it Luke? Was it this feeling of dread that's been lingering on me for months now? I couldn't pinpoint which one it was anymore.

Papa being gone made me sad.

This feeling of dread made me confused.

Luke being so close but so far away made me..

It made me mad. Pissed. Enraged. I was fucking angry because that little blond fuck had so much control over me and he didn't even realize it. He didn't even know how wrapped I was around his mother fucking pinky finger. Why him? Why a little blue eyed guitarist in a band?

Why did it have to be Luke?

I stretched out on my bed and just laid there seething with self-loathe because I let myself fall into this. My stupid heart and stupid brain releasing and reacting to chemicals because I had a thing for blue eyes and pretty song voices.

All of this emotion made my skin crawl and I scratched at my arm for a second before digging my fingernails into the soft skin of my arm. A hiss escaped me but the pain was a distraction from being angry over Luke. I did it over and over again until my arm was littered in little crescent shapes.

I wanted more.

Rolling over onto my right side my eyes landed on the small metal pencil sharpener that sat on my night stand next to my colored pencils box.

A thought slithered into my mind and wrapped around my brain, slowly choking all reason from me.