One Last Time (R18)

Kabanata XIV: FRUSTRATIONS

Frustrations.
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              TAHIMIK akong nakasunod sa kanya habang naglalakad kami papunta sa pickup niya. Ilang minuto rin bago namin iyon nakita, pero bago pa kami tuluyang makalapit, napahinto ako.

"L-Loves..." tawag ko sa kanya.

He inhaled deeply before turning to me with a cold expression.

"C-Can I ask you something?" I stammered, having no choice but to face his coldness.

"Kung ano man ang gusto mong pag-usapan... hindi ito ang tamang oras. Kailangan na nating umuwi," mataman niyang sagot bago ako tinalikuran.

Napakuyom ang kamao ko habang pinapanood siyang maglakad palayo. Right. I said that I was glad I gave him my virginity, but I couldn't shake the disappointment that's overwhelming me right now. If it is because of the alcohol I consumed... I just really need to bring this up, or it wouldn't let me sleep.

Tumikhim ako. "About what happened between us that night... aren't you going to say anything? I want to know your thoughts about it..."

Tumigil siya at lumingon sa'kin. Nakakunot man ang kanyang noo, alam kong nakuha niya kung anuman ang sinasabi ko.

"You've been colder since that night. Why? Am I not good enough?" diretsahan kong tanong, may bahid ng hinanakit habang tinitigan siya. I don't want to overreact, but I couldn’t help it with the way he's acting towards me, especially right now. It was my first time. That night was the most memorable night of my life, so it’s frustrating na parang wala lang 'yon sa kanya.

Hindi nagbago ang pakikitungo niya sa'kin, in fact, he's been even colder.

"If I were Annika, would you still be this cold after what happened to us?" I tried to ask when he didn't answer my previous question.

He just shook his head, making me even more disappointed and hurt. He ignored what I said as if he didn't hear anything.

"Get in the car. Ihahatid kita sa inyo," walang emosyon niyang sabi.

I clenched my fists tighter. Kung nagsisisi o nahihiya ba siya na may nangyari sa'min o takot siya sa posibilidad na mabuntis niya ako kahit in-assure ko na sa kanya na safe ako…hindi ko alam! All I know is that I'm hurt by how he's acting like what happened between us doesn't matter to him!

When I was sure he didn't really want to talk about what happened between us, I just gave him a wan smile.

I gave up this time. His coldness made it clear that I couldn't force him. Maybe he's just trying to be considerate of me. He didn't want to hurt my feelings with his answer.

I got in the car first. He followed a few seconds later.

Hindi ako nagpahatid sa mansyon. I asked him to drop me off in front of a bar, which he didn't object to. He didn't seem bothered na nakainom ako at papasok ng bar.

That night, we parted ways without a word. The next night, I drowned myself and my frustrations in alcohol with my friends.

"You assumed too much, Kei. You can't change a man's heart in just one night. You know how much he loved Annika."

Those were Anja's words that made me feel even worse that night.

        MATAAS na ang sikat ng araw nang makarating ako sa site. It's already 8:30 in the morning.

Inabot ko agad ang bayad sa driver bago nagmamadaling bumaba ng taxi. Sira ang sasakyan ko kaya wala akong choice kundi mag-commute.

Lakad-takbo ang ginawa ko papasok ng construction site. I'm wearing white sneakers, so I'm not having a hard time walking on the gravel.