X Reader Parodies

Korekiyo Shinguji x Reader

a/n: i'm running out of ideas here, so the few people that actually read this book need to start requesting crap please i'm desperate

contains foul language. lots and lots of foul language. you have been warned

--

A soft glow of light emitted from the lamps overhead. For some, the lack of activity in the room would be unsettling; I, however, found it to be very calming. On this unusually fine morning, the dining hall was still and serene, an uncommon occurrence at this prison. I sighed contentedly as I basked in the peace of the room, folding my hands together neatly.

Even so, I had a growing fear that this feeling of contentment would not last; it never does. Bloodshed always awaits us just around the corner. There is little rest.

I screwed my eyes shut, chiding myself for attempting to ruin the moment of ease. It would be foolish of me to spend my downtime dreading the yet to come.

'Relax,' I thought, slowly easing into my chair. 'Just--'

"Good morning, (Y/N). What a pleasant surprise."

My eyes shot open at the voice, and I lurched forward in my chair, my expression contorting into one of pure rage. "YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I shrieked, tears beginning to pool in the corners of my eyes. "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? YOU'VE GONE AND RUINED MY ONE MOMENT OF EQUANIMITY!"

"Is that time of month again?" The jerk, Korekiyo, spoke once more, cocking his head slightly.

"GO CRAWL BACK INTO THE FIERY PITS OF HELL!"

"Ah, human nature is truly astonishing."

'This dude is probably the biggest idiot on the damn planet,' I seethed to myself, curling my hands into tight fists. 'What the hell? Human nature? Is he serious?'

"What do you want, Shinguji?" I muttered through clenched teeth, forcing myself to keep calm. Well, as calm as I could be around the World's Biggest Asshole™.

"Why, I simply want to enjoy a nice breakfast," He cooed, "with the most beautiful being on this Earth."

"Get lost."

"Ah, so cold. Humans are so complex, so wondrous..." He mused as he sat, uninvited, in the chair next to me. 

"Shut the hell up."

"And how are you doing on this most delightful of mornings?"

"What'd I just fuckin' say?"

"What's this you're eating? Lucky Charms?" He inquired, picking up a half-eaten PopTart.

"You make me sick."

Korekiyo sighed, tossing the pastry back onto the paper plate. "I wish I understood why you hate me so," He bemoaned. "I only desire to befriend you."

"Well, your desire's just going to have to wait," I sassed, standing from my chair and picking up my plate.

"And how long exactly shall I wait?"

"Forever, nasty ass."

I began my trek out of the dining hall at this statement, tossing my food on the way out. Just as I thought I was alone, though, I heard his footsteps trailing behind me. I groaned dramatically, whipping around.

"Please, just leave me alone!" I whined, throwing up my arms in frustration.

"(Y/N), I only ask that you give me a chance."

"No."

"Please--"

"Nope."

He sighed, bringing a bandaged hand up to his left temple. "Humans, while beautiful, can be so frustrating..."

"Please just shut the hell up," I begged. "I don't want to be your friend. You creep me the fuck out."

"Very well," He agreed. "I shall leave you be for now, but you will be my friend one day soon. Yes, I look forward to that day. Ah..."

"Whatever you say, blobmonster; now get out of here."

He bowed, turning and exiting the hallway, dematerializing into the shadows. I shuddered.

"What a jackass."