Another day, another red carpet, not for me, I'm not the celebrity here- but someday I will be. I've been a bodyguard to many popular celebs- Miley Cyrus, Amanda Bynes, Selena Gomaz, Justin Bieber, George Clooney and more. The only problem is they are way nicer on TV and interviews, you protect them with your life, cover for them, deal with annoying paparazzi and listen to their stupid problems and yet when you ask for a tiny favor, the answer is always no. The favor I'm talking about is an audition for a movie and a tiny recommendation, I mean how hard is that? I been to many auditions but they always want experience---- I have one thing to say to that-how am I supposed to have experience when no one will give me a job?
Tonight I'll be bodyguard to Miley Cyrus at a music award show- she is such a handful, she always gets into fights back stage and gets totally hammered.
I get dressed, a fashionable pantsuit, they call them fashionable but I still hate them, why can't a wear a mini cocktail dress and heels, I can kick the crap out of someone while wearing heels and a dress. I sigh and in get to the limo that picks me up. The limo starts driving to the Twerkstar's house and I see mansion after mansion pass by. Soon we stop at the outrageous painted neon rainbow striped mansion with stuffed teddy bears all over the yard- this place is almost as tragic as seeing someone do the Elle Woods Bend and Snap.
Today, our autotune lover is sporting a very modest see-through dress that only covers the places that need to be covered unless you want to be charged with indecent exposure and the dress ends where underwear stops. She gets into the limo while downing a whole bottle of Vodka, once in she looks at me and says "you again?"
"Yep." Believe me honey, I don't want me to be here either.
She moans and I can already tell this will be a fun night. We get to the award show and I see the paparazzi and reporters bothering the great Katy Perry, I've never been her bodyguard before, nor have I met her but I love her music. I kind of hope to never meet her because I've always liked the celebs before I met them-then I find out they are nothing but jerks.
Tonight Miley will be backstage during the event, she is presenting an award. Due to her recent behavior, she is to stay backstage except when leaving and arriving and she is not to make a scene tonight. The second we get backstage, my bladder shrinks 3 sizes, I figure Miley is safe in her custom-made VIP chair, so I practically run to the bathroom. The silver tile and the gold wallpaper with silver loops on it and- there's bathroom attendant- nothing makes a person feel important like having someone turn on the sink for them and the warm towels feel like fuzzy heaven on your face.
After I do my business I hurry back to Miley to find her and a very drunk Justin Bieber throwing fists, really? I just went to the bathroom for 1 minute. I thought dudes aren't supposed to hit chicks. I bet he isn't just drunk.
"Enough!" I start pulling them off of each other and finally they stop fighting. The geek they have running around backstage telling people to get ready to go on stage tells Miley it's time to present the award.
Please no drama, no drama. Please, no drama.
Miley stumbles to the stage and I hear her present the award and Katy Perry wins. All of the sudden I hear gasps and I take a peek to see that Miley is prancing around topless screaming a million cuss words per minute. This is worse than the Kanye and Taylor incident. And even worse, it's my mess to clean up.
I run to the stage as Miley tells the world she's drunk as a skunk. I grab her by the shoulders and drag her backstage and wait for her handler.
5 minutes later, her handler is running over with her phone practically glued to her ear.
"Yes, bye," she says as she hangs up, "Miley, what the hell was that? You know what, never mind, what's-your-face- go home. Miley, you too hammered and I'll talk to you when you're not drunk."
What's-your-face, she better not be talking about me. Whatever.
I ride with Miley in the limo again where I have to hold her hair when she pukes in the ice bucket for the champagne- classy.
***
Finally home, I get ready for bed, lights out!
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Celeb Bodyguard
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