Seeking Smiles//Slow Updates

four

Tyler avoided me the rest of the week. And turns out we share first, second, fourth, fifth, and seventh period together every single day. He must really hate me now. And rightfully so. I told him I didn't care, and I don't.

Maggie now clings to me like a wet t-shirt.

Dad had one of his...episodes after school this Friday. Gave us all a damn fright as it usually involves the smashing of a plate and the shards of glass piercing someone's skin. Then proceeding to get stuck in one's flesh for me to pull out with tweezers once all is over with. This is an example to why we eat off paper towels.

Cecelia was the victim tonight. She tried to heat up a slice of leftover frozen pizza in the microwave at the wrong time. Bye, bye plate. Bye, bye pizza slice. She never eats and this slice was for her, so it frustrates me even more at my father's denseness toward his own daughter's issues.

Not two hours ago, I sat cross-legged on my bedroom floor, Cecelia's ankles in my lap and a pair of silver tweezers held by my left, dominant hand. I pulled tiny shards of glass she had stepped on with bare feet and other pieces that had bounced up into her leg below her knees.

These are the kind of nights where we all camp out in one room, with the exception of my father, of course. This night, we have all chosen my room as our refuge. I'm not particularly fond of it since this is my space and I don't like the interference or intrusion of other people.

The worst possible thing is being touched. Which is exactly what Maggie is doing; little arms wrapped around my waist, her fingers enclosing the fabric of my shirt, leg pressed up against my own, and her small face buried in my side. My body wants to shrink in on itself, compressing smaller so that I disappear from touch. I can't stand it. I've been touched countless times by my father that end with unsettling and painful results. Even though I know Maggie means no harm, I still hate the feeling; the pressure of someone else's body on my own.

I cradled Maggie only a few times when she was just small enough to fit between my arms. I don't remember what it feels like to hold someone and I don't want to remember. I used to hold Cecelia too, but Malaki never wanted to be held by anyone that was not our mother. He was special like that. A "mama's boy" maybe.

I didn't used to hate feeling. It's all his fault, my father. He ruined so much for me, for Cecelia, for Maggie, for Malaki, for my mother, even for himself. I can't fathom what made him go down this dark hole that has been dug too deep for escaping. I can't even bring myself to imagine how he had the audacity to do all these things to the people he was supposed to love the most and protect them with his own life.

What if I never know? I almost didn't know and never would find out. I'm not going to think about that. It was nearly a week ago.

I swallow the lump in my throat, "Maggie?" Her head tilts up. "Why don't you go to Cecelia? I'm sure she could use the company."

"Okay," Maggie whispers shyly and slowly detaches herself from me. She shuffles over to Cecelia and plops right down in her lap.

I hate to do this to Cecelia since she has to deal with Maggie all the time. And she was the one hurting tonight. It wasn't fair of me to do what I just did, but she can withstand the touches. I cannot. I've never been super touchy-feely, not even before things got bad.

Malaki shifts against the wall, a blue blanket wrapped around his shoulders. Cecelia fakes a smile as Maggie curls up against her and I just sit, dazing off as I stare out into the dark sky past my window.

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I'm already sitting in fourth period since I have nowhere else to go between classes. I stick my earbuds in and listen to some old Fall Out Boy. I doodle tentacles all over a blank piece of lined paper. I thought about drawing a person being suffocated, but decided against it in my head. Apparently my hands have a different idea because they gently scrape the paper with the point of the pencil, drawing a person right in the middle; their eyes wide and frightened and a tentacle wrapping slowly around their screaming mouth.