Seeking Smiles//Slow Updates

fourteen

I thought that I'd never be able to do this; sit in a school restroom while I cling to a boy my age while I sob all of my sad life into his chest. And all he does is hold me there with steady hands as my whole body shakes, the tears staining the front of his gray shirt. He doesn't show signs of caring though and I can't seem to pull myself away no matter how bad I feel for wrecking his clothes.

I don't want him to leave me. I know it's not fair for him. I know. My mind has reminded me over a million times in the short period that we've been in this bathroom together that I shouldn't have Tyler here with me. It's not right. He probably doesn't even want to be here. But he hasn't objected. He's just being nice then. Oh well, I could use a nice person at a time like this.

His grip is so tight on my torso that I've rearranged the position of my arms to circle around his back and my fists are balled up in the soft fabric of his shirt.

I don't want to know what will happen after this. How awkward it will be now that we've both used each other for support during the worst of our times.

I don't want to think about that right now either. I haven't had a good cry in forever. One that let out all my sadness all my trauma and all the lows I've had for the long span of time in my life that has just purely screwed me over.

This is crazy. I am crazy. Never would I have let someone touch me this much in a million years. I don't even touch my own siblings because I'm paranoid that everyone is going to hurt me because the hands that touch me the most always cause me pain. And now Tyler has been the most continuous span of physical contact I've had with someone for years. And my mind for once isn't exaggerating on that.

Soon, my eyes dry out, but I don't let go.

"I'm sorry," I mumble into Tyler's chest.

"Don't apologize." He squeezes me with his arms and rubs my back soothingly.

"It just becomes too much sometimes." I try to adjust my position and my hand accidentally grabs his arm and I find myself apologizing again.

"Stop apologizing for things you can't help." I feel Tyler's chin as he shakes his head moving against my neck. "If I didn't care about you I wouldn't have stayed in the first place."

"Yeah, but I kept you from class." I point out, trying to push away the words he said to me.

He cares.

No he doesn't.

Oh my fuck on a boat, shut up.

Quit lying to yourself to make it seem like you matter.

Goddamnit. Why can't you just leave me alone?

Because I can't go away. Enjoy my presence, I tell you only the truth.

I wish I could claw you out of my head sometimes.

And that's my soul purpose; to get you to try and get rid of me. It's just that you'll never succeed.

"Logan? You okay there?" Tyler's voice brings me back from the argument I was having with my head. "You are kind of holding on tight." His words seemed strained.

I loosen my grip and he exhales deeply.

"Fine." I say, but then I wonder...why not tell the truth? "Does a voice ever talk in you ear loud enough to sound like it's screaming?"

"No. Not really." Tyler says slowly.

"Oh. Never mind then." I don't want to flood his thoughts with my own problems. He has enough as it is and I don't want to give him anything more to think about or deal with. I don't want to give his brain any ideas.

"I want you to share if you're feeling a certain way. Don't keep it from me." Tyler rubs my back gently and I inhale sharply before relaxing into his touch.

"It's just that," I start, then think better of it. "I don't want to burden you."

"You are far from a burden." Tyler pauses. "More of a privilege actually."

"How is that so?" I ask, nestling my head into his stomach.

"Well," Tyler begins, "This is a good start of a friendship I think. And I'm almost certain that we both need that, right? Someone to hold us through the tough times when no one else will. That's why I'm here and that's why you were there."

"I suppose that could be a good thing. Friends I mean." I mumble.

"Does that mean you'll finally work on the song project with me?" Tyler asks.

"Yes," I say. "I will."

"Yay," Tyler smiles into my hair, I can feel where his lips move. "My house then?"

"Let's start at the park. The one with the football fields." I suggest.

"Sounds fine to me." Tyler says.

"Saturday then?"

"Sure why not?" Tyler agrees. "I might take you to like a music studio or something so we can better put something together. If you don't mind."

"We'll meet at the park on Saturday then."

"Saturday?" Tyler repeats.

"Saturday." I confirm.

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a.n// sorry this one is so short :/ i just got back from a vacation last night to Colorado in America it was pretty fun but i'm glad i'm home now

tell me your favorite thing your head screams at you...

-a.k.