Seeking Smiles//Slow Updates

twelve

My back aches as I open my eyes. Yawning, my eyes shut again and I notice the unusual feeling that wraps around my waist and the way my spine is pushed up against a wall instead of my bed. Orange colored sun shines in my eyes and I blink them rapidly to adjust to the abrupt light.

Tyler's arms are still wrapped loosely around my waist, his cheek is pressed against my chest. His eyes are closed, the lids resting softly over the irises. His hair looks about the same, just slightly more curly than last night. My own arms are still draped around his back, one under his arm and my hand rests on his hip.

I can't believe I slept like this, with another person resting on top of me. Let alone, I can't believe I slept in an alley in the middle of a city with Tyler Olivarner sleeping my chest.

I can't believe a lot of things as I look down at his face. His pink lips part every so slightly and I can feel the rise and fall of his chest against my legs. He almost looks, in a way...No! I don't know. Why do I think these things? I'm not supposed to let Tyler lean on me. I'm not supposed to comfort him. I'm supposed to push him further and further away so that I don't have someone else to worry about. He doesn't know me and I don't know him.

Sometimes it feels as if there's this huge wall that keeps sending me closer and closer to the edge, to falling.

I don't want this. It shouldn't feel nice like it does. I shouldn't want Tyler to lay on top of me, with his arms around me and his head resting gently on my chest while his sleeps. I just want him to go away. I want to be alone again. I know he doesn't care about me. I know the only reason that he wanted to hold me was because he was terrified and I was the only person there who wouldn't hurt him, who was willing to give him comfort. He only tries to get to know me because he pities me. He feels bad that I have no friends and that all people ignore me all the time. He feels obligated to be the good person and try to give me a friend. But I know. I see past all his plans and I don't want to fall for them. I'm my own person. I have myself to worry about and my siblings. He doesn't care, he doesn't care, he doesn't care.

Yet after all these thoughts, I just sit there and watch him.

You have to go, you worthless piece of nothing, My mind jeers. He's probably killed them by now, beat them to a pulp and while you were here, trying to gain the love of someone who only needs you when there is no one else. You're going to see Cecelia, her body ice cold...

The waves of insults, of worst-case scenarios, of anything opposite of happy hit me repeatedly. Over and over again. They never stop, and sometimes the wind picks up, pushing towering ones to the shore.

It hurts. It really does. What if they are gone?

They are.

How could I leave them alone with him?

Because you're selfish. You only care about the love of someone who doesn't even love you and will never love you back because you're awful. You deserve to die. My mind tells me. No one would miss you and your problems or your complaining or the way you always tried to run toward something that just kept running away faster, never to be caught. Why don't you do the world a favor.

"Shut up," I shake my head, trying to push the words out of my mind.

"Logan?" Tyler shifts his position and speaks in a raspy morning voice.

"Morning," I mumble, hoping he'll get off me. "You okay?" I add after a moment of silence.

"Fine now," Tyler yawns. "Just a bit of a headache."

I don't know how to respond to that, so we just sit there, Tyler curls his fingers around my shin, letting a shiver run up the inside of my body, but I don't show it.