Song- Bellyache by Billie Eilish
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"I lost my mind, I don't mind"
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I'm crazy. I'm fucking out of my mind. One moment I'll be fine and the next I'll want to kill my family and smoke pot and do all sorts of crazy shit. I don't feel stable. I hurt myself and make myself bleed just for the hell of it. I write the same words over and over again in my notebook because it's the only way I'll ever be calm. I go for days without eating and then I'll suddenly binge all day. I want to punch and kick my parents in the face even though they haven't really done anything wrong. But I wouldn't ever hurt anyone, I wouldn't ever act on any of these impulses I have. I care about people too much. I think that's what keeps me from thinking that I'm totally insane. My heart is too big for my body and I love the people around me more than I can say. I've felt romantic love and platonic love. I'm not a full on psychopath. I can still feel things. But that doesn't mean I'm not crazy. The dictionary definition of the word insanity is making the same mistakes over and over again. I never stop making the same mistakes. I don't know how to stop. I don't do my homework and I hurt the people I love numerous times emotionally. I've been asked what the hell is wrong with me, and the truth is I don't know. There's a quote from my favorite movie. "A bit of madness is key to give us new colors to see." I've been trying to live by that quote more and more lately. It lets me know that no matter how crazy I am, maybe I'm not all bad. But still, the dark thoughts keep trying to take over. And most of the time, they win.
