Song: Dysphoric by cavetown
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"This phantom skin, it's weird to live in"
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I tied the bandages tightly around my chest.
And then I broke down.
Why can't I be happy with my body? I don't know what my gender is. I hate having boobs. I hate it so much. Every time I even think about the fact that I have them makes me want to throw up. I don't know how I feel. I hate this. I want to be happy and comfortable in my own skin. My mom says it's just my age and all teenage girls are insecure about how they look. But those girls are insecure in a different way. They want big boobs and big butts and they want to have long hair and a pretty face. I don't want that. I want to be me. But I'm not allowed to be me. I was talking to my dad last night about how high the suicide rates are for transgender teens. He brought up the topic and asked me about it, and I genuinely thought that he was starting to come around and that he was at least trying to understand. But no. I was wrong again as usual. He said that they're so high because "trans kids are forcing that attention onto themselves because they just want to be freaks and that if they acted normal they wouldn't be depressed." I got up and walked out of the room. I hate his attitude. Tonight him and my mom were talking about how people who don't identify with any gender are idiots. Usually my mom is pretty open minded, but sometimes it's like flipping a switch and all of a sudden she'll be acting close minded like my dad. I want to leave here. I don't know how much more of this I can take.
