"i want 'em back, the minds we had, it's not enough to feel alive"
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Song: Ribs by Lorde
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I can't believe it's almost over. High school. Just two short years ago I was ranting and raving on here about how much I just wished I didn't exist. But I could not feel more different now. I mean, sure, I'm still a sad bitch who listens to Lorde on loop and eats way too much ice cream, but I'm definitely not suicidal anymore. But the realness of it all is starting to sink in. I'm turning 18 soon, and shortly after that will be graduation and then college. I'm just not sure if I'm ready. I can't wait for growing up to some degree; I've been planning my wedding since I was a little kid and I've always dreamed about college. But I've been picking out photos for my graduation party this week, and looking at all of those photos of my childhood and my family has just made me want to do it all again. I haven't been sleeping because I saw a video of my grandma before she got sick. I miss her so much. I can't sleep because I can't stop thinking about how she'll never get to see my sisters and I get married or have kids.
I guess I just miss the innocence. We were so carefree back then, and sure I never had any friends, but I was happy. I was happy and imaginative and carefree. And with the way that COVID-19 and quarantine has been going, I have had way too much time to think. I wonder if Grandma is watching over us. I don't know if I believe in heaven or not, but I want to. I really want to. And I hope more than anything that she's somewhere peaceful waiting for us on the other side.
I realized last night that Avery will never know her. She'll never know any healthy grandparents, or a life before all of this mess. She'll never know Grandma Sylvia or Grandma Rose or Grandpa Bob or Zoe or Uncle Randy. She'll never know her own family. I saw my dad get emotional over the picture of Grandpa. It was one of the last pictures of him taken, because it was the year he got sick. I wish that they were still around. I was an asshole and I took them for granted, not even realizing that my time with them was limited. But time is always limited. This year is going to be the year of lasts. Last shitty school lunch, last time in the band room, last hug with my best friend, last time living in my house.
I've been wanting to leave this town from the moment we moved here, but now I don't know if I can let it all go.
