Poems and stuff

If only

I had waited so long for a moment like this

and still it feels like there is not enough for all my years of waiting

If only they understood the gentle currents and rough waves in my mind

If only they felt what I saw and saw what i felt

A continuation of this "venomous" craving haunted me

What "saint seducing gold" tempted me this time?

Who was it? Who are you with?

Why, this totalitarian style of parental government is absolutely tiring

I kept your superstitious and cautious manner in the back of my head

It's still etched in my brain, this paranoia and anxiety

If only you knew what it was like, being watched by an eye that wasn't really there

If only you knew what it was like, your thoughts being frowned upon and labeled as sins

I guess I could be somewhat of a mortal sinner

Some type of "tempted" angel

Straying from whatever you claim to be holy and perfect

Humans aren't perfect. I don't have to be.

 I don't know who you think I am, who you want me to be, and who I was truly meant to be

But if only I knew. If only I had the answers written down on a paper with a black fountain pen,

proving to you that I am real.

I will always be real. 

You expect these perfect cookie cutter-like aspects in a life you dreamed of,

you expect a go-happy, go-lucky girl who won't let anything stop her.

You were right about one thing, I won't let anything stop me. 

It must be almost disappointing.

Something you worked so hard on to turn out different from what you expected. 

I'm sorry I'll never be what you expected of me. I'll continue to say sorry.

But, if only you knew the burden, the pain, the impulse, and the anarchy.

Those four words, ever so destructive, structured those lonesome nights.

If only you knew how it felt. 

If only you knew.