Poems and stuff

thoughts & sympathy

It was bad enough to keep asking myself the same questions

How am i gonna make it through the day

What if this happens

What if they dont love me anymore

What if im just gonna end up alone again

That word repeats in my head like a broken record

alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone

No no i shouldn't be thinking this right?

Pessimism was something foreign to my soul

I dont think ive tasted something this sour before

ive always had the sweet and it was nice

the flavor of your name stayed on my tongue but i wanted more

maybe itll cleanse my pallet from that bitter taste of pessimistic thoughts

but im still here

here, in my tower

i thought i was gonna be the knight in shining armor

if anything, i needed one

you were one

save me?

im too scared to ask anyway

its too much to do

this is still a cry for help

a plea

im just scared and alone

nostalgic for the future

i wish for so many things

i decided to reverse things and mirror things

im looking at things upside down now

no more capitals or indents 

no more crosses on my t's 

no more crosses on my neck

i wish i was saved instead of this draft

i longed for that sober night but we were still drunk on frosting and sugar

i longed for that surprise kiss on my cheek 

i longed for collapsing into a pair of arms

i wish i wish i wish

im still too scared to ask for it

so what happens if i do ask

what happens if i do ask for all these impossible things

more captivity? or is it worth the risk?

ill offer fire from my world

ill give you a gift

humanity and maybe some pick up lines

maybe a few snacks and philosophical debates

we can go out for some rhetoric and talk about coffee

we can race through some streets 

we can dance with the sun 

we can sing under its rays and cry as the sun sets

maybe this will be some rant 

some cry for feeling

what if i get too angry i need to feel alive

right? cuz pain is proof that you're living

or maybe the emotional pain doesnt feel enough

this type of frightened banter needs to be washed down

watered down with some tears of a sad movie

because the sad enough reality is too strong

what if i just needed a leather note book

a fountain pen

a glass of water

and some kinda sunlight to shine on me

some days i live

some days i dont

prose was me during a Saturday and Sunday

straight forward & enough

poetry was me during Monday through Friday 

breathing and living with the people i needed

some songs remind me too much of my past and it hurts to listen

i couldnt cut my ears off of course but the past just keeps coming back

it was nice though

the past

it hurt, but it was real

real is real nice

i find myself staring into outer space sometimes

its either awkward or understandable to other people

i just have a lot going on in my brain and it takes time to untangle the ol' wires

an unfortunate afternoon was sipping fresh air from a dirty window

aries played on in the background with a cheap speaker

"stress burns my calories"

chugging on some empty water bottles

"i wish i can summon a smile"

gentle shakes from a hand that spent too many times rubbing against cheap guitar strings

slight cracks from a wrist that floated above piano keys too often

the closest thing to life in this scene was the rare sun shine that peered curiously through a window

"have no shame." said the old man

he had committed every unspeakable sin, every taboo, every mistake.

the old man had shame for the unforgettable things he had done, but he owned up for it.

"why?" said the little girl

"because everyone else will shame you, but you will be unharmed if you don't have shame in yourself."

Hope

I have hope

a four letter word that made a compromise to me, saying that if i continued to believe that everything will turn out fine, if i make an effort to be happy, to make others happy, to be myself, then everything will be okay.

hope was a little difficult

a little pompous

but was still willing to help

i had hope

i have hope

and ill use it    for us