Oh Honey ✔

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Sometimes I want to rip my heart out of my chest, but I know that's technically impossible. I can't pull it out without passing out through the process of it. So much blood and pain, id die before i can rip it out.

I just wish my heart wasn't so stupid. I mean yeah, my heart beats and gives life to me but my heart also falls in love with boys who wont ever love me back.

And I follow my heart.

My heart has me on a leash like a dog, pulling me around. I can't let it do that to me. I need to think and act with what my mind tells me, not what my heart tells me to do.

It's so hard though. So hard.

But it's not impossible.

If I would of controlled my repulsive heart I wouldn't of got into so much trouble. I wouldn't  be sad. I wouldn't of loved a boy who doesn't love me. I wouldn't of fell for him.

He could of just been someone random I met. He could of just been another friend. Why'd I have to fall for him? Couldn't it of been someone else?

Couldn't it of been the boy next door, the one that was one inch taller than me and had dirty blond hair. The one that skateboards pretty good, but always falls when he sees that ive been sitting on my front porch watching him and hearing him have conversations with himself.

Couldn't it of been that Mexican boy with sun kissed skin and hazel eyes? The one that all the girls were head over heels for? Why couldn't I of been like those girls who basically drooled over him?

What was so special about this guy that i ended up falling for? What made him different from the rest? Honestly, I don't know. But, I do know. There's so many things that made him different. But I don't want people to know. But I want everyone to know, how much he means to me. But no. That's weird isn't it?

Everything about this is weird.

What am I even trying to say? I don't know. I dont know what I'm trying to say.  I dont know anything.

When I was fifteen, I went through my first brake up. And now I look back at it and I laugh and feel embarrassed of how I acted. It was so dumb. I was dumb. I was also really naive, sending nudes to strangers just because they asked for it. I was so desperate for friends and I ended up so depressed and mad at the world.

And well,

Look at me now. I'm still a mess, I'm still confused. I still cry over boys. I still cry over a boy who ignores me and confuses me. A boy who basically wants me to disappear from his life.

It's funny.

I laugh at girls who talk about boys who break their heart. A laugh at girls who talk about love and how it hurts.

Except I'm not saying love hurts. Because love, love doesn't hurt.

What hurts is being ignored by the one you love and knowing there's a reason why. What hurts is knowing that this person won't ever love you back. What hurts is when people won't even be in your future, or just there at all.

That's what hurts.

So anyway, I met a boy. And i fell hard. I fell into a hole and now I don't know what to do. I got up, but now I have to climb my way up, and out of this hole that I sunk myself into.

He didn't do this to me. I did this to myself. He never made me fall. I tripped on my own. I fell. It was my fault. I guess i fell because I was venerable and weak. And I met him when I was falling deeper than before.

I lied a lot. I lied to him. I lied to everyone. I wish I would of never lied to him, or to anyone.

But there was so much lies. So much that I got lost in my own sea of lies, and I didn't know myself anymore.

I'm barely getting to know me now. Now that I'm eighteen, I'm finally learning to know me, to know who I am.

Isnt that sad?

Yes, very.