Dear readets,
Guys I'm really sorry to say this but I need to end this book for a bit, I'm a mess mentally. Knowing that you are somewhat unstable mentally is tough, but holding yourself together is harder. As the writer of this book, I've shown you all what's it's like for me the past years of my life. Right now I need to focus on me because I know deep inside that I need help because I can't cope with life on my own right now. Sure I can admit that I've cut on numerous occasions but the hard part about admiring you need help is getting past self-denial. To many of you I may come across as well structured and strong, I can tell you that you are very wrong because almost every day when I get home I go somewhere quite in my house and I cry. For me, emotions have never been a strong point, I've been thought that crying is weakness and right now I need support and not judgement. A lot of you would also know that putting up a front was a huge talent of mine. Tbh I really should have realised it sooner but I'm not afraid to say I need help. There is few people who refer to my behaviour as physcopathic and at the minute I can't disagree. I'm not even sure how long I've been doing it, but from what I remember I've always tried my best to protect myself because I knew from that moment that no guy would ever want a woman who's practically unstable.
One of my recent encounters made me relaise that as long as I keep going the way I'm going I'm never going to trust people properly and I'm never going to be able to have another romantic relationship. Well I hope no one sees how my defences go up the moment I'm close to a couple who I'm friends with because I know for definite I'm don't deserve that kind of affection, there's part of my heart that is toxic and I can't even open it up because there's so much emotion locked away. Part of me thinks that if I ever did find the "one" could he possibly handle the fact that I may look fine but I'm far from it. My quirks shape me in such a way that i can only control so much when it comes to my personality, I really don't know how I'm still breathing because there has been dark times where I've wanted to seriously hurt myself, I know it's sick but on some twisted level I think i would have enjoyed the pain, at the moment I know that I don't need to worry about harming my medical health as much as i used to. You know there was a point in my life about 3 years ago where I wanted to do everything in my power to find a way out or some sort of out the fact that I broke and it took a stupid long distance relationship to help put me back together. I wish I could put into words how I feel at the minute into powerful words, but I can't and I'm sorry. Putting defences back in place will be hard as I have spent the last couple of months without them in place. Building a network of friends that I am completely sure will support and help me through my mental struggles.
Sometimes writing something like this makes you wonder, who actually is there to support me and care for me in a way that might help me heal.
Guys hoping to see yous soon
Yours sincerely,
Natasha xx
YOU ARE READING
the cracks that appear
Short Storythis is a story based on events that took place in my life, some chapters are fiction and are not. the book indulges of dreams that once crossed my mind. the book also gives a deep understanding of my past and how i became the woman i am today. Pl...
