By Any Other Name

Chapter 16

During the next few days, I felt restless. Part of it was Levi. I now felt closer to him than I'd ever felt to another person in my life. It wasn't allowed and I couldn't afford it, but I knew I loved him.

And our relationship could never move forward.

I still felt like I'd never be able to do something like that anyway, but I was beginning to wonder if that wasn't just a reflex.

I doubted that the scars and insecurities that Charles gave me would ever truly disappear, but it felt like what I'd had with Charles - even when everything seemed so perfect, was completely different from what I had with Levi.

Charles had been flawless. He made sure that he always put on an absolutely perfect performance in front of everyone. People believed exactly what he wanted them to believe. I honestly didn't think he had even one fault or had known even one hardship when I married him. Everything about him had seemed completely idealistic.

It wasn't that way with Levi. He didn't try to be perfect. I was starting to feel that he might be anyway, but in a totally different way. He didn't hide the fact that he had flaws. He allowed himself to be angry or upset sometimes, and he had shared plenty of hardships from his life.

No one seemed to know who Charles was. Of course, no one would guess the truth, but no one seemed to know him very deeply at all. He didn't have any family. Or at least, he told me he didn't. He had established his home and his business in a new place where absolutely no one knew him longer than a few months so how could anyone know who he really was?

With Levi, I knew his mother. I knew Minnie, who was basically his second mother. I met people he's known his whole life, and I saw his kindness and imperfection on a daily basis.

He behaved nothing like Charles had when he'd been his most polished and splendid self, yet Levi seemed truly perfect. And I trusted him more than I'd ever trusted anyone.

I'd blindly given Charles my trust because I was fooled by his face and his performance. I didn't see that he was trying too hard to gain my trust.

Levi earned my trust without conscious effort.

It seemed horribly cruel and ironic that this was my life now. That I could potentially have a truly perfect and blissfully happy life, if not for the one I foolishly thought I had before.

I knew Levi. I trusted him. And I was positive that what he refused to say before, was that he loved me.

That was another contrast with Charles. He'd said those words easily. I'd only known him a few weeks when he flippantly said he loved me. He used it as a bargaining tool anytime he wanted something from me or wanted me to behave a certain way. He'd said it when I thought it was too soon for him to kiss me and when I wasn't sure I wanted to get married so quickly. Even after I knew what he was really like, he used those words as an excuse as to why he would beat me. "I'm doing this because I love you" or "I love you. You have to learn". By the time I left, I'd actually been afraid to hear those three words.

But Levi wouldn't even say them. He would never say those words, no matter how strongly or how deeply he felt them because he didn't want to try to manipulate me or unintentionally hurt me with an idea that could never materialize.

It was dreadfully unfair, and I wondered if I would ever look at him or think of him without feeling this longing and...agitation.

Of course, that was only half of it just now. I was also restless due to the fact that I was still greatly confused over everything I'd heard on Sunday.