Why Do People Think I'm Gay? (Billdip smut AU)

Chapter One

   Dipper grumbled, laying on his uncomfortably stiff mattress. Time to wake up, and work with your penny-pinching uncle who lies to others for a living. He's getting too old for this, what is he, 74 years old? At least Mabel was enthusiastic. She pivoted around the room, singing along to an off-key Sev'ral Timez track. Mabel slipped on her burger sweater, which fit more like a crop top now.

   Dipper finally gave in, rising slowly out of bed. Gazing into the mirror, he came to one simple conclusion, I look like garbage. Eh, whatever. Who was going to notice? Just go brush your teeth, he thought.

   He slathered an unreasonably large glob of peppermint toothpaste onto his toothbrush. "Hey, Dip-Dop!" Mabel chirped. "Don't call me that." Dipper rasped in between brushing. She seemed genuinely offended for a moment, then giggled and applied a hint of eyeliner to her face. Sometimes Dipper questioned why girls needed so much makeup. "Kids! Come downstairs! Store's opening up!"

   Mabel charged forward downstairs, while Dipper strolled down at an understandable pace. "Dipper, I'm gonna have you restock with Wendy. Mabel, you're on register duty. Soos, I dunno, sweep." Grunkle Stan ordered. All sleepily attended to their jobs. Dipper approached the redheaded young woman whom he once had a crush on. Today, he found it hard to believe. He hadn't had a crush on anybody since.

   "Alright! Get over here, man!" Wendy called. She hadn't changed much in these quick five years. Then again, nor had Mabel. The two crowded a shelf with "Stan Bobble Heads," all the while having mellow conversations. Most involved school, sports, music, and so on. "Yeah, and ever since, Mabel's been banned from the chemistry lab." Dipper chuckled, finishing a story he'd just finished. "Dude, seriously? How do you set water on fire?" Wendy snickered.

   After completing his task, Dipper found himself plugging some earbuds into his prehistoric MP3 player. As he did, he sat back, watching the shop buzz. Stan was leading tourists, presenting them with scams. Some of this gems included the rock that looks like a face rock, the sas-crotch, the grizzlycorn (a hybrid of a grizzly bear and a unicorn,) the thigh-clops, etc. He never understood why visitors enjoyed being visibly ripped off, but that was their issue, not his. He loosened and listened to his MP3 player.

   He had always had a distinct musical taste. Rather than listening Jake Paul or Kodak Black, or any of that garbage, he found himself listening to real music. Fine, he did enjoy BABBA from time to time. The song currently playing was Scars by Papa Roach. Dipper primarily fancied punk rock, alternative, grunge, and emo.

   Absorbed in his own thoughts, Mabel rushed towards Dipper, tearing his headphones from his ears. "Mabel, what the-" Dipper began. "You wanna go on a mystery hunt?" Mabel asked. "Grunkle Stan said if we found something we could bring it to the Shack!" Dipper piped up at that. Stan never let them bring something from the forest. "Yeah, I do!" Dipper still hadn't lost interest in the paranormal or anomalies. "Me and Dipper are going out!" Mabel sang as the two approached the door.

   Deep into the woods, they had found nothing. Dipper checked his journal. "It says there might be Gremloblins... right in this cave!" Dipper gasped, pointing to a gaping, dark cave. "C'mon, let's go get the mushrooms and bring them back!" Mabel chattered. Peeking into the dark cave, they spotted a lumbering beast, sound asleep. Hushing his sister, Dipper creeped in. He made sure to make light footsteps and try not to make noise.

   Swiftly, Dipper reached forward and snatched the mushrooms from the beasts shoulders. "Yes! Got 'em!" Mabel exclaimed. "Shush!" The Gremloblin began to stir in its slumber, but simply grumbled and remained asleep. Sealing the zip-lock back containing the mushrooms, the twins raced out of the woods. "Come on, we gotta show these to Stan!" Dipper cried. As they reached the Mystery Shack, Mabel roared, "Stan! Look what we got!"

   "Mushrooms?" Stan asked, perplexed. "Kid, I thought I told you to bring me something I can sell." Mabel and Dipper exchanged a look. "These aren't just ordinary mushrooms, they came from a Gremlobin!" Dipper explained. Stan's confusion grew, but at the same time, his face lit up in joy. "That's just dumb enough for a tourist to believe!" 

   "Uh, since you did this for me, er, you can have a day off." Stan stammered. Mabel turned to Dipper, extending her hand for a high five. "Yes!" Dipper said, slapping her hand. "Hey, Stan? Do you find if I hang out in here?" "Yeah, that's fine. Just don't let it go to your head! I won't be doing this again!" Dipper grinned, amused. He walked over to Soos, who was polishing the counters and humming the tune of Straight Blanchin' by Lil Big Dawg. He had been listening to that irritating hip hop song for years.

   "Sup, dawg?" Soos inquired. "Oh, not much." Dipper sighed, "I'm bored, but on the plus side, Stan gave me a break!" The two began to chat amongst themselves. Their topics were, for the most part, uninteresting, just gossip and chitchat.

   Just then, the bell chimed, alerting workers a customer had just come in. "Welcome to the Mystery Shack! Sorry, but our next tour isn't until one o'clock. So if you-" Stan was interrupted. "I'm not here for a tour, Stanley. I'm here to look around. Hey, is that pine- I mean, Dipper kid working today?" A blonde man justified. He was arounder Dipper's age. Stan was taken aback. "Sure, he's- over there... whatever your name is. Hey, how did you know my-"

   "Excellent." He said with a devilish grin. Without missing a beat, the man located Dipper and greeted him. "Hey, kid!" Dipper paused, plotting his reply. "Um, I hate to be rude, but... have we met before?" He asked, looking into the blonde's spiritless eyes. His grin widened, "Oh, we haven't, but I'm sure you'll remember me for a very long time."

   Dipper folded his arms, staring at the unknown man with an icy cold stare. "Who are you? And how do you know me and my great uncles name?" Dipper challenged. "My name's Bill," He declared. "And that's not important. All you should know is you're gonna see this face a lot. I'm gonna torture you every day, Dip." Dipper shuddered, but held his ground. "You... you should go. Now."

   "Oh, sure. I'll leave. But not before you get a taste of what life will be like with me around." Bill said, ominlusly. It was now that Dipper's legs began to tremble. What was Bill playing at?

   "Look, man. Just go." Dipper warned. "I don't want to get agressive." Bill raised his palms, shaking them as if quivering in fear. "Ooohhh, I'm so scared. Whatever will happen to me if I'm not careful?" At this moment, Dipper was enraged. "Listen to me, listen to me right now! I've never met you in my life, and you're threatening me already! I can call the police right now!" Dipper bellowed in fury. "I'd like to see that! Come on, call the cops! Right now!" He taunted.

   After stumbling for a moment, Dipper changed his mind, "No." Bill cackled in triumph. "That's what I thought." Bill sniggered.

   "Well, I best be off. I've come a long way to be here, and I've rented an apartment." He turned to leave, before turning back to make one last remark. "Oh, and one more thing." Bill gripped Dipper's shirt, pulling him in to kiss him. His tongue flicked inside Dipper's mouth. Finally, he pulled away, leaving Dipper blushing in humiliation. "Bye!"

   Dipper really hated that guy. When he said he'll be back, surely he didn't mean it. He completely despised him at first sight. So... why did he find himself attracted to him?

AN: *laughing hysterically* THEY KISSED. I AM CRY. Note that this is my first fanfiction and it's not the best. Leave criticisms in the comments!

Love you all and stay weird! ^_^