Dangerous Confessions

I Want To Tell You A Secret

About a month ago, the head had had some sort of moral epiphany that brought a project to enhance the school's overall academic level. I have to admit, this was a topic that was often discussed in most teacher's meetings because of the worry that students wouldn't have the necessary tools to start college; therefore, when we heard about the new changes he intended to do with general curriculum of the school, we all had a little hope.

Indeed, after reading it carefully, we all concluded that the theory of his project was absolutely brilliant, but I must say, easier read than done, and if I may add, utopic. The real problem was that he seemed to think that the alternation of pedagogical methods would help develop the student's learning process, but in reality, it could only cause large amounts of paperwork piling up in our desks because of the total reconstruction of the lessons for the course we needed to do.

Taking care of all this paperwork took time; a lot of time to be specific, and I had to spend countless hours locked up in my secluded office while attempting to plan a class about Emily freaking Dickinson while outside, the rest of the day went away without leaving any kind of trace behind it, and let's just say that the analysis of pathetically thoughtful poems such as "Hope is the thing with feathers" was the very least of the issues dwelling around in my conscience.

Just as it had happened the last time I had attempted to get any work done, the majority of my thoughts were focused on certain brown-haired young man whose sensual spell I had recently fallen victim of. The said thoughts went from how pleasant and enjoyable it had been to have him close --near enough to taste his lips and take in his scent-- to how quickly all of this was happening, and especially the highly anticipated I love you that had me worrying about where this insane relationship was really going.

Anyway, all that I knew at the moment was that no matter how confusing and sickening this relationship was, I wanted more of it, and I definitely wanted more of him; therefore, once classes were over, I couldn't run fast enough to get out of my office and find him. But once again, I went through the entire school over and over again until I ran out of places to look for him.

Eventually, I gave up, and as I stood hopelessly in the middle of the car park, I stared at the empty spaces as if expecting he would appear magically out of nowhere, but there was no use. I finally got in my car and drove away while making up imaginary scenarios in which he might have found himself trapped in, either struggling with family matters or the always present menace of Stephen Mulhern.

I guess that at some point, I actually started to believe that he was safe only while being around me when in reality I was the villain, the shallow monster who wanted nothing but to take advantage of the kid's good will. I have to recognise that in that moment, I wasn't willing to accept it. Oh, no! In that moment, for all I care, Declan was mine and it was my responsibility to love him and protect him the way no one had been able to do so before.

Specifically that day, I was quite looking forward to spending some more time alone with him for some reason, so I could get to know him a little bit better, get to know more about his story and especially, get some more of those sweet kisses only him and I could share. However, that afternoon, I ended up going home alone.

Fucking fantastic.

Ironically, loneliness had somehow managed to become something tedious and unbearable for once. This had never happened before; as I said, sex was pretty much all I needed to fulfill my need for human contact, but this time around I was not in control of my emotions anymore, let alone the knowledge of what I did and didn't need.

I dreamt about Dec that night; just like the last time, we were making love in my bed again. This dream was precisely what convinced me that if I didn't get to see him soon, I would start to lose all sense of sanity I may have had left. You see, having to deal with the most annoying erection ever is not exactly part of a perfect morning. Eventually, after finally getting rid of it, I got up and went off to work. No sooner had I arrived to my office than I was informed that my boss had called all teachers for yet another improvised meeting about his goddamn academic curriculum.