Ketterdam University

{two}

           "Thanks for coming with me, Inej." Jesper leaned forward on the grocery cart, resting his elbows on the bar.

Inej grazed her fingertips over the labels on the canned foods. "I can't believe you haven't done this by yourself."

Jesper coughed, feeling a flush of embarrassment. Only Inej could make him bashful with her calm demeanor and honest truths. "I have, but only when I was going back home to Da, and we would only ever get things like toilet paper and household cleaners. We grew all of our food, remember?"

Inej nodded and smiled gently, walking ahead of him to examine some canned soup. "This looks good," she said, facing the label towards him.

Jesper scrunched his nose in disgust, "That's all processed garbage. I need natural ingredients."

Inej put the can in the cart anyway. "You can't afford natural ingredients. Your paycheck only covers artificial flavors and preservatives."

He sighed. She had a point. "Must be why Wylan doesn't keep any junk food in the pantry."

Inej hummed and continued perusing the aisle. He could tell she wanted to say something, but it wasn't her business. It was a look he always could sense; her eyes wandered but never focused, her spine stiffening in just the slightest, her chest stilling as if she was holding her breath.

"Whatever you have to say, you can say to me," he told her.

She looked back at her, her dark eyes curious and kind. "Are you happy?"

Jesper shrugged, "I mean, right at this moment, I'm pretty content."

"You know what I mean."

"Should I be?"

Inej bit her bottom lip in thought. "That's not for anyone to decide but you. Did you move out of the dorms for yourself, or because you thought Kaz would be impressed that you took his offer?"

Jesper's steps faltered and the cart squeaked. "Kaz has nothing to do with this," he said, not meeting her eye.

"Kaz does, and he knows it. You can't let other people decide your fate for you. Not Kaz, not Nina, not even me. You have to trust yourself."

"I mean..." Jesper rubbed the back of his neck, feeling the restlessness in his stomach. "What am I supposed to do, Inej?" He sounded much more defeated than he had wished. "I can't go back, but if I stay in the dorms, I'll go insane. I've trusted myself a whole lot, and it's only dug the hole deeper for me."

"Find a middle ground."

"I thought I already did, with this flat."

Inej nodded and a smile crept across her lips, "Good. You're doing good, Jesper. Don't doubt yourself."

"How can I not when you're asking all these existential questions," Jesper grumbled and then grinned. Somehow, even if Inej's talks were hard to listen to, she always made him feel surer of himself.

Inej chuckled. She picked up a can of black beans and paired it with a bag of yellow rice, and tossed them into the cart. "Black beans and yellow rice, it's something my mother would always make me when we didn't have enough money for groceries. It's better than ramen, cheaper than a home cooked meal, and it can feed you for a few days."

Jesper picked up the bag of rice and peered at it, feeling his eyes squint from the brightness of the packaging. "Rice isn't supposed to be this color."

Inej's eyes sparkled. "That's all the season-y goodness inside the bag."

"It's still not natural."